Hollyoaks Later Is Poo

Here's a screengrab from Hollyoaks Later:


Hmm... I feel hungry. I wonder what they serve at that pub. Let's see... hmm... there's bar snacks. Well, good, I like bar snacks! What else I wonder... let's have a look... hmm... wait... does that say...?


Poo?! Fuck it, let's go to McDonald's instead...

Hollyoaks Later In Ten Words

It's Hollyoaks but an hour long and Josh says 'fuck'.

Sachs's Granddaughter Does A 180

So first Andrew Sachs's granddaughter was all angry and upset, and then it started to look like she could make a load of money off the back of the whole thing, and now she isn't quite so angry anymore:

Baillie in call to reinstate stars

The 23-year-old said Radio 2 DJ Brand's resignation and Ross's three month suspension without pay was "out of proportion".

Baillie, who performs with her dance troupe the Satanic Sluts, has also told how she wants to pursue a career as an actress and model.

She [said]: "I want to keep performing with my dance troupe. And all these modelling offers have come through which is quite interesting. I thought about doing modelling a few years ago but was told I was a bit too chunky for that, but now all of a sudden I'm not, so that's great.

"So I think I might be doing a bit of modelling, and I've also done a bit of acting in the past, so I might try and get back into that."

We'll see her being spitroasted by Callum Best and Paul Dannan on ITV2 sometime soon, mark my words.

Amir Khan

Is it just me or is everything Amir Khan says a lot funnier if you assume he's talking about fisting?

"Every punch is hard."

Yeah, yeah, I bet it is.

Smug Strings

This advert has something it wants to share with you all:



Christ, negative campaigning's moved from politics to advertising. It's spreading like cancer. Next we'll have books with little sound chips in so that when you walk into Waterstones you'll be subjected to a cacophony of little synthetic voices smugly informing you that their book's better than the other's because it's got a longer word-count and it's part of Richard and Judy's Book Club.

It's not just the message of the advert that irritates me, it's the method it's transmitted as well - through hundreds and hundreds of miles of string, carefully laid across the entire country. Think about it - imagine how horrible that imaginary world must be if it's full of people willing to go to such a ridiculous effort purely so that can listen to some smug bitch ramble on at them about how one brand of fromage frais is better than the other. Ugh.

And another thing - why is it only mothers who are being told about this? What about dads? What about people from unconventional family units? This advert discriminates against more than just artificial ingredients. If I were a gay man made from fructose I'd be outraged.

Watch Out, Gillette's About

New Gillette advert:


Buy Gillette razors or they'll pay famous sportspeople to physically assault you in a campaign of violence and intimidation. Great. Next you'll have Alan Sugar shitting on your doorstep because you didn't buy whatever the hell it is that he flogs these days.

Spam Goes All Mystic Meg

I've started getting spam e-mails which are either crazy predictions of things that may happen, or are actually spam e-mails from the future!

Afghan bombing kills President Bush
Elton John dies in rocket ship
Yahoo search shuts down for good
Cute dogs massacred in Texas
Girl takes down five guys

That's some crazy future. Although the last one might be porn. Maybe. I don't know.

That's What I'm Talkin' About!

My exams are over, and so is The Apprentice 2008. I have my degree and Lee's the apprentice. As the Leicester Mercury put it, 'Amstrad's gain is porn's loss' (?).

But something Lucidna said way back in the advertising task has become massively pertinent.


Remember the bit where Lucinda was coming up with 'off the wall' ideas for the advertising campaign? I was a bit concerned about what she was going to say.

"If we're looking at shock tactics, and it's probably uncomfortable to some, but it's going to come up more and more and more..."

Shit, I thought. 'Tissue 9/11'. She's going to say 'tissue 9/11'. Oh God, please don't say 'tissue 9/11.'

She continued: "...And [what's] become stronger and stronger and stronger, as it should do, is homosexuality. And people would be talking about that advert."

Thank fuck, I thought, she didn't say 'tissue 9/11'.

But roll on a few weeks...

Heinz mayonnaise advert with two men kissing set to become most complained of the year
Heinz pulls ad showing men kissing
Gaydar Radio calls for boycott after 'men kissing' ad pulled

Byebye 3.6 million consumers! Didn't think that through did you Lucinda? You silly dick.

The offending ad:



And that's it. No more Apprentice this year. But there's always next year, and Raef might even get a chat show in the meantime, which will be nice... I guess?

PC Gone... Hair

New Head & Shoulders advert:


"OMG, why is it always acceptable to slag off 'white' but not other colours like 'darkie brown'? This advert could only be made under NooLabour, PC gone mad, etc. etc. etc."

No really, people actually think that. Actual real people.

I searched Google for this advert, and what was the first result? That's right, a fucking white power forum. Un-cunting-believable. I was going to take the piss out of this advert because obviously it's possible to read a racial context into it if you really try, but actually seriously taking the advert as some kind of anti-white propaganda? Jesus. Here are some of the best/worst posts:

I hate advertising. Whenever I see a PC advert, I can just imagine the brainstorming session that led up to it; "yeah, lets have a young couple advertising our new car"..."wouldn't it be better if we had a mixed race couple to reflect todays modern society?"..."Lets give them a couple of kids also to put the advert really out there".

Yeah, 'cos it's really cr-r-r-r-razy to suggest that mixed race couples are, y'know, capable of reproducing.

"Helps enhance your vibrancy, while keeping white flakes at bay."

Consider "vibrancy" in the modern PC context, always used as a euphemism for non-whites and their activities in society, and then "help keep white flakes at bay"; i.e. flakes as the nervous, nerdy guys trendy white women are spurning in increasing numbers in favour of the exotic Negro.

Am I reading too much into this?

Yes, you paranoid racist cunt.

this is just the beginning for anti-white soon there be chocomilk ad's where they say cause we don't like whites, and people won't read into these ads they will just become a normal thing then they hit us with the big anti-white ads but as people will of become tolerant with the ads noone will care

One day Ian Wright will cut the ribbon at a new concentration camp for white people, and it'll all be Quicky the Nesquik bunny's fault, the black leporine bastard.

Humanity is fucked.

Passport Fail

I was in the Post Office the other day, posting something (as you do). There was a man trying to hand in a passport form in the hatch next to mine, but either the photo or his letters were too big, and his form was rejected because the computer wouldn't be able to scan the form properly. I sorted my letter and I was about to leave he entered this sort-of mini-breakdown.

"I've done this form five times now, and every time there's something wrong with it," he whined, possibly on the verge of tears, "I've got a full-time job and I just can't be doing with this."

He continued, but I left quickly in case he went over the edge and 'did a mental' on everyone there. Thing is, how the fuck does he hold down a full-time job if he can't even fill in a relatively straightforward form properly? It can't be that hard, can it?

Maybe the forms have to be filled in in Swahili these days, what with the way our country's going, PC and all that, eh? EH?

Normal Service Is Resumed

My posting's been pretty irregular for a while now, largely because I've been busy preparing for exams. But my exams have finished today, so hopefully I'll be able to post with something approaching regularity now.

There is one thing relating to my exams I'd like to bring up though. Remember this post, where I laid into an advert for Kelloggs Nutri-Grain bars? Well I actually bought a multipack, intending to eat a couple before each of my exams in lieu of a proper breakfast. Anyway, the morning of my first exam I ate two bars and then went in to my exam. As the morning progressed I started to feel slightly ill and it was obviously because of the Nutri-Grain bars. As opposed to curing my twatting 'cakey pangs', they gave me cakey nausea! Suffice to say I have not eaten any further Nutri-Grain bars, nor will I ever do again. Shame on you Kelloggs.

More Spam

I just got a spam e-mail promising me that:

Emotional volcano is just a blink away!

That actually sounds pretty unpleasant, to be honest. Think I'll give it a miss.

Another Rubbish BT Advert

As you can tell from here, here and here, I'm not a big fan of the BT Family adverts. And now there's a new one. Hoo-twating-ray.


Don't worry Kris Marshall, this is the woman who managed to delete a folder from both its original location and the Recycle Bin all by accident, as well as somehow 'deleting' photos that exist in physical form, remember? It's not your fault, she probably just doesn't understand what a cock is.

Just for the record, I'd make a joke about you having a tiny-to-the-point-of-being-invisible penis, but I guess since you've just been in a car accident it wouldn't be in the best of taste.

Evil Teletubbies

Brilliant comment by one Guy Reid-Brown on Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens' blog:

I have noticed an actual, real, persistent lowering of the intelligence amongst people now... I recognise that the South-East is considerably further down the line then most other places but it is appalling that so much 'conversation' sounds like Cavemen in an early Hammer film, almost devoid of consonants - 'uh, oh-eh ih' - but recognisably full of hate and deadness.

The Teletubbies summed it all up really - visually interchangeable creatures with screens in their stomachs (a perfect visual metaphor) living on an evil hill with a scary chuckling baby in place of the sun and communicating in incomprehensible vowel sounds.

It WOULD be the BBC that originated this - inevitable somehow.

Those BBC bastards, eh? They'll ruin us all.

Bakey Bollocks

Swing and a miss for Kelloggs with their advert for Nutri-Grain bars:

So I'm supposed to buy products from people who potentially put members of the public at risk of very serious harm by pretending to be doctors and, in most cases, misdiagnosing them with fucking 'cakey pangs'? Are you being serious Kelloggs? Hmmm?

And what is he going to with that oven glove? Shove it up his arse? Ugh.

Spam Gets Nasty

I opened my inbox today to find a spam e-mail had gotten though the filter. "You're a moron", the subject line read.

Fuck me, I thought, I'm being insulted by a spam e-mail? This must be a dark day for humanity.

It's pretty distressing when even spam e-mail apparently hates you. What next, spam e-mails that make nasty comments about your mother? Spam e-mails that say they wish you were dead? Spam e-mails that do a Chris Morris and use your computer monitor to create an electromagnetic field that simulates a punch in the face? Is this the dark path we're going down?

I think it is. We're all fucked. Fucked.

Misogynistic Shite

Unsurprisingly I am not impressed by the latest advert for Coke Zero:



That ex - what a bitch, eh? How dare she move on with her life?! Why, she should spend the rest of her life alone, like some sort of faithful widow! After all if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'Our Hero' (as the somewhat presumptuous caption labels him) she deserves solitude!

Ugh... what a crock of neanderthal shite.

I'm waiting for the Coke Zero advert where a man callously hurls his wife down the stairs in a fit of frenzied misogynistic rage. I doubt I'll have to wait long.

I don't know what I hate more about these adverts, their swaggering lad-ish disregard for women or the fact that they seem to turn me into some sort of bizarre raving feminist. Ugh.

The Second Coming Of Clearasil

Clearasil have done it again. As if their previous advert wasn't brilliant enough they've now gone and produced this transcendental masterpiece:



"You should see me now."

What? Right now? In front of your Mum (or Mom - Britain doesn't deserve adverts of its own, it seems)? You want your boyfriend to ogle your naked body with your mother right there, sat on the sofa next to him? I suggest you seek professional help because you obviously have some deep-seated psychiatric issues. Fuck your spots, your head's broken, you mad perverted bitch.

Evil

I was innocently browsing the Internet when I stumbled upon this slightly irrational comment in response to a news article:

Nintendo is like Microsoft. But nobody see's it. They're like the hidden evils in the world, while Microsoft is blantantly evil.
mistertwoturbo

And there we were, assuming that things like child-murder and date-rape were evil. We were fools. Turns out developing computer software and hardware was the real evil all along. Lock up Bill Gates and let all the murderers and rapists roam free in the fields! Or something.

I'm not sure why Nintendo is like 'the hidden evils' though. Maybe Mario's a closet paedo?

Ugh...

The new advert for the BBC's Eastenders:



Utterly horrible, like a penis through the eyesocket (not that I'd know).

Out-of-context Quoting FTW

"I'm touching a very large piece of wood on my desk at the moment."
Noel Edmonds

The dirty fuck.

Pictogram of the Year 2008

Remember Pictogram of the Year 2007? Well today I discovered a new set of pictograms worthy of this year's award. They came on the back of a box for a set of Nintendo DS Lite accessories made by Hori in Japan. Here they are:

The DS makes Mr. Fire sad. He prefers his PSP.

The DS makes Mr. Water sad because he read an article in the Daily Mail about how videogames make people violent. He had a go on Brain Training in a shop and now he's worried he's going to suddenly go mad and kill his wife with an axe.

Don't let your baby tap-dance over your DS, this isn't Strictly Come fucking Dancing y'know.

Pac-Man used to like eating dots but these days they make him cry because he worries about becoming obese.

'Well done' to Hori for these. I wonder who'll win the award in 2009?

Hot Anne Diamond On Resident Evil 4 Action!!!

There were a couple of noteworthy things in today's Daily Mail, primarily TV presenter Anne Diamond turning video game critic:

Anne Diamond gives her chilling verdict on the violent video games that are to carry age ratings

Anne was given some 'of the most popular games' (ie. a selection of games with significant amounts of adult content, chosen totally at random by some Mail researcher) to play and report on. She gives Resident Evil 4 a particular kicking:


Then again, I'm not sure Anne's really in any position to be making moral judgements. Why? Because she's a witch:


I don't know what kind of sinister arcane powers are work in that photo, making those games semi-disappear. But whatever powers are at work, this kind of witchcraft can only be bad for you.

I was quite amused to find that a picture included in the article of two children playing Mario Kart 64 on an old Nintendo 64 had the filename 'spoiltkid'. Yeah, I bet those little bastards are being spoilt to shit, sat there playing a ten-year-old game.

Also in today's Mail was an advert for this thing:


Only £7.90! It's called a Scare Cat and you use it to scare cats away from your garden. It made me laugh, it looks like the least intimidating thing ever. I can imagine my own cats just wandering up to it and making friends with it - that's what happened when we got a vaguely realistic fake cat to see how they'd react. I'd save the money for something else - maybe you could put it towards your next video game purchase, although make sure it's not something with violence in or Anne Diamond might cry.

The Apprentice

Yesterday saw the beginning of a new series of The Apprentice on BBC1, which for those of you who've been trapped inside a box (or just watch ITV all the time, in which case: what the fuck is wrong with you?) is a reality-ish show where several aspiring business people compete for the chance to be the apprentice of successful business-guy Sir Alan Sugar.

First up for the boot was prize cunt Nicholas de Lacy-Brown (he pinched the 'de Lacy' bit from his grandmother, apparently in a bid to make people aware that he's an ostentatious twat before they even meet him). This video does a more than adequate job of demonstrating what an utter prick the man is:



What's that Nick? You're a barrister? With legal qualifications? You kept that quiet didn't you? Never would have guessed. Ugh.

Here's some more evidence of his cunthood from the opening of the biography on his website:

It was Virgil who stated in his Ecologues: ‘Non omnia possumus omnes’ (We can’t all do everything), a statement which many have been happy to oblige. In Nicholas de Lacy-Brown however, there lies a man who is prepared to question such apathy. Undoubtedly a man of many talents, he has lived his short twenty-four years with a vivacity and boldness which few could achieve in a lifetime.

What. A. Twat.

Weekend In York

So as I was saying in a previous post, I spent the weekend in York. York is a bit like my hometown, in that it'd be a much nicer place if they rooted out the few good eggs and shunted the rest of its inhabitants off to some sort of concentration camp. A good proportion of the population are chavs. I went in the local Tesco Express thing - it was small and dirty and was apparently having a no-uniform day. This made me chuckle since one of the staff was wearing this horrible fake-leopard-skin kind of thing and another looked like he'd auditioned for Blazin' Squad (or whatever the modern equivalent of Blazin' Squad is - I don't know what such a thing would be like but you'd probably have to have murdered several old women to get in it, kids today and all that) but failed.

Out of the remaining non-chav population, a further good proportion were irritatingly old. I've got nothing against old people but too many of them and you end up being reminded of your own mortality all the time. Plus they all had a kind of smug look that I didn't like the look of. Maybe I'm just overly judgemental.

So yeah, have those two groups of people put to death and York'd be lovely. The architecture's quite nice. Oh, and there's a weird purple statue thing. Yeah.

York is home to the National Railway Museum, which I obviously went to otherwise I wouldn't be talking about it (there's no point blogging about tourist attractions you haven't been to - down that way madness lies. Can you imagine it? 'Went to York for the weekend. Didn't go to York Castle. Didn't go to the Viking Centre. Didn't go to York Dungeon. Didn't go on the Yorkshire Wheel. What if... what if I never get to visit these places before I die?... All the experiences I'll never have... [cue quiet sobbing into hands]'. Yeah, not pretty, is it?)

Anyway, one of the attractions at the National Railway Museum is part of a bullet train from Japan. You can see it in the picture. You're able to go inside the carriage and you can even sit down in the carriage chairs and watch this little slideshow thing on a screen. Thing is most people in there, and this included me, ended up sat there stuck in a kind of melancholic trance. It was as if everyone in the drab plasticy cabin had forgotten that the train wasn't actually real. All the people were sat there with a look of expectation, as if they were expecting it to set off any minute. But it never did. There seemed to be an element of tragedy about the whole thing really. It's not even as if people were going there to have a sit down, there was seating everywhere.

Speaking of tragedy, there was a little shop dedicated entirely to Thomas the Tank Engine merchandise. Dear me, they've really ruined Thomas the Tank Engine. All of the toys are plasticy and shit compared to the ones I used to have, and the originals books are horribly overpriced. Browsing the wares there was like writing the word 'childhood' in big letters on a piece of paper and then having to watch as a businessman in a suit wrenches the paper away from you and shits all over it, before rubbing the piece of shitty paper in your face. Well... actually it was nothing like that, but you get my point.

I guess the moral of the story is that capitalism is rubbish because the end result of it is a load of chavs (using their consumer power to buy the 'wrong' things), nasty old people (who, in the olden days, would have been dead by now), depressing mass produced trains, and the rape of everything we held dear in our childhoods. Boo capitalism! Boo! Let's all live in fields and beat each other up with sticks. That'll be a better world to live in, right? Right?! No? Oh, alright then, have it your way. Cunt.

Incest

What is it with Channel 4 and incest? First we had Rhys fucking his half-sister Beth on Hollyoaks, then we had Ian fucking his half-brother on Shameless. And those are just the ones I know about. Now Channel 4 are giving us a whole programme dedicated to people fucking their half-siblings, Sleeping With My Sister.

According to Channel 4's blurb:

Over nine months, the documentary follows the lives of Nick and Danielle, in Scotland; and a couple in the US. Both couples are in the grip of a powerful incestuous love: a passion that is set to destroy marriages, and will see Nick and Danielle prosecuted for incest.

The Guardian's TV guide doesn't seem impressed though: "It's hard to understand why they decided to make this show, particularly as Tom and Stephanie [the US couple] hadn't yet told their respective spouses". I imagine they decided to make this show because some Channel 4 exec has a really, really unhealthy interest in incest. Let's hope Channel 4 never buy up the rights to Family Fortunes because I dread to think what they'd do with it.

Kick In The Face

My most hated advert at the moment is the one for Wrigley Airwaves. Y'know the one, a bunch of people are psyching themselves up, chanting some uplifting aspirational bollocks and then your jaw drops as it ends and you discover all this is somehow about chewing gum, chewing gum, for fuck's sake. "Experience the kick", the slogan says. It's just chewing gum! Chewing gum some with a bit of eucalyptus and menthol stuff in it!

I looked for a video of the ad online but, oddly, couldn't find anything. All I could find was an article on talkingretail.com about the advert which pissed me off even more - link. According to Wrigley, the "energetic ad features people in various situations psyching themselves up in readiness for a revitalising ‘kick’ from Wrigley’s Airwaves". Who the fuck needs to psych themselves up in order to have some chewing gum? I intended that to be a rhetorical question, but fuck it, I'll answer it anyway: fucking mentalists psych themselves up before chewing gum. It's just fucking chewing gum! Jesus.

There's more though:

Combining dynamism and engagement, the campaign aims to further strengthen the overall Airwaves brand popularity with consumers, which will in turn support retailers’ sales. Our advice to retailers would be to keep fully stocked to take advantage of the profit potential.

Quickly retailers! Get some Airwaves in stock now, or you'll be fucked! You're dealing with 'dynamism' and 'engagement' here. You don't piss around when those concepts are on the table. Just think: run out of stock and those dynamic customers'll be going to other stores to get their gum: they'll be taking it from another store's rack, handing over the money at another store's counter, spending several minutes psyching themselves up in another store, scaring away customer with their demented aspirational ranting at another store, getting shouted at and told to leave by the staff of another store... Actually, you know what? You're probably fine. Leave the 'dynamism' and 'engagement' to other people. People who enjoy selling chewing gum to the mentally challenged.

Live

The people who write The Mail on Sunday's Live magazine are obviously every bit as nice as the people who write the main publication:

Ugly bands seem to be in vogue these days - have you ever heard of Hot Chip? - and new nerd-rock hopefuls Foals aren't breaking the mould.

What's that? You want to make music but you don't satisfy some journalist's subjective criteria on what makes someone attractive? You've got a fucking nerve, haven't you? People like you make me sick. Ugh... I'm so disgusted by your sheer arrogant audacity I can barely type with the rage - so I'm going to stop, and hope that by the time I log back on to this blog all you ugly musicians will have found some simple human decency and killed yourselves.

69! Hahaha! Do you see? 69!!!

I'm really disappointed with the advert for the new Now 69 album:



Forty seconds and not one bit of '69' related innuendo. Fucking rubbish.

More Amanda Platell

I'm back at home for the Easter holiday, which means I'm stuck with the Daily Mail for five weeks. Anyway, today Amanda's sticking up for Delia Smith:

BBC chef Simon Rimmer attacks Delia Smith for using frozen mash potato in her quick shepherd's pie.

"It's the easiest thing in the world," he says, "just boil the spuds, drain them and mash with butter."

Yes, Simon, and who buys the spuds and lugs them home in the first place and who peels them?

[continues...]

I don't know Amanda, but given that he's the professional cook in the household I imagine it might be him. After all, if he let his wife go out to get the potatoes for the mash she'd probably end up buying ones meant for chipping, the daft cow. Women, eh?

Oh, and Amanda? Most people don't 'lug' their potatoes home, they put them in the sodding car and drive them back, you pillock. Have you spent your whole life dragging sacks of potatoes down the street Amanda? Have you? Do you arrive back at the house at 8PM, exhausted, your irate husband waiting for his tea? Does he get angry, Amanda? Does he beat you? Yes? Good. All is well.

Odd

By far the strangest thing I've come across this week is Duel Love, a Nintendo DS game that's just come out in Japan. I was innocently looking through an e-mail newsletter from a import game site when I suddenly went "what the fuck is that?" and ended up doing a bit of investigation which led to this post.


Duel Love is essentially a dating simulator for girls with a bit of a twist. Basically you play the role of an exchange student who finds out on her first day at her new school that the school, in fact, contains a secret fight club, where the apparently anorexic male students of said school engage in ill-advised boxing matches. By supporting one of the boys you help him get through the fights. According to the blurb, "a girl in love is truly the goddess of victory". If you say so.

The game includes a pretty subnormal selection of mini-games. Here's a diagram of one:


In this minigame you wipe away sweat. As you do. Fuck knows what's going on with that facial expression in the last picture. Honestly, video games these days. Filth.

Here's another:


Apparently the aim is to blow into the DS's microphone to make the steam go away. Um... yeah.

And one final one:


What with not eating and that, the boys bruise easily. I mean maybe it'd help if they, like, didn't go around beating the shit out of either other - honestly, anorexic boys these days! In any case, this particular minigame would appear to be futile - those bruises will never heal. At least not unless he starts eating again, anyway.

Fodder for sexually frustrated teenage Japanese girls then. Except, oddly, one the of main characters seems to be an actual proper child. That or a midget. Look:


Seriously, what the fuck? Even the character profile thing uses the word 'BOY' for some reason:


H... Hello? Is... is there anybody there? Am I the only sane person in a world gone mad? Hello? Hello?!

White

So it looks like the BBC are starting to get a bit worried that, y'know, maybe the Daily Mail's been right all along and, like, the BBC really is, like, all left-wing and PC and that. Thus in an apparent attempt to appease all those Daily Mail sorts, they've come up with a new 'White' season, based around the question 'Is white working class Britain becoming invisible?'.

And as if expressing that question through words isn't enough, their website also expresses it with a lovely image:


It's like, OMG, all those evil darkies have, like, drawn on that guy's face. Or something.

But, alas, the BBC haven't managed to please everyone. Daily Mail columnist Amanda Platell isn't happy:

A new TV series aims to give a voice to the "forgotten" working class.

I long for the day a similar treatise is aired on the forgotten middle class - who've been bled dry by Labour, held in contempt by the BBC and mocked by the liberal elite, while providing the backbone of this nation's success. Don't hold your breath.

Imagine if the BBC did do a series of programmes on the white middle class though. If all middle class people are like the twats on the Daily Mail website then they'd probably end up with drama programmes looking like this:

[A MAN is stood in a room]

MAN: Look at me! I'm a white middle man and I'm so hard fucking done by! Boo twatting hoo, everyone hates me and I'm such a victim! Waa! Waa!

[The MAN gracelessly flops to the floor and begins to beat it with his fists, all the while shrieking like a six-month old child]

Yeah, looks shit doesn't it? Perhaps, instead of coming up with shite ideas for TV, Amanda should occupy herself with something more constructive like, I dunno, toppling down a set of stairs while I watch from the top, a cold gleam in my eye, watch her her tumble like a ragdoll until she lies still at the bottom, her neck broken, her eyes glazed and dead. I don't like Amanda Platell. Can you tell?

Another Breakfast Idea

In the unlikely event that you've been reading this blog since the beginning, you might remember this post, where I had the wonderful idea of replacing the chocolate stuff in those 'magic straw' things they sell with crack.

Well now I've had another wonderful breakfast related idea - a spin-off version of Rice Krispies, called Death Krispies. Essentially Death Krispies would be similar to Rice Krispies in content and packaging, but the traditional mascots of Snap, Crackle and Pop would be replaced with three new mascots, Smack, Crack and Jack, reflecting the new 'active ingredients' in the cereal. Kids'll hate the taste but will nonetheless come back for more every morning. At least they will for a while... eventually they'll be scoffing some down every hour until they OD and die on the kitchen floor, foamy spittle leaking from the side of their mouths. But hey! Kids can be replaced.

In the unlikely event that sales are slow, free gifts could be introduced to pull the punters in. How about "Death Krispies - now with a free HIV contaminated syringe in every box!"?

Can't fail.

Ditto

Horrible fat-ist humour ahoy!

I'm sure someone on the Internet must have already noticed this, but the similarities between Gossip vocalist Beth Ditto and Pokemon #132, Ditto, are uncanny:


Hoo. Well I feel dirty now...

Anyway, join me next time when I'll be taking the piss out of Simon Weston and some midgets.

'Adrian's Fact Of The Day' Compilation

You might remember that ages ago I started writing two spin-off blogs for about a week, before horribly neglecting all of my blog related things. One of them, Lies About Celebrities, I quite liked and might bother to update in the future, but the other, Adrian's Fact Of The Day didn't really turn out quite as well as I'd hoped. Anyhoo, since I've no intention of carrying on with that one I thought I'd do a little compilation of all the posts before I deleted the originals. So here they are, a little collection of life-enriching facts:

Adrian's Facts Of The Day

Fact #1 - 08/01/08

Pine is shit.

Fact #2 - 08/01/08

Richard Littlejohn looks like he has sex with toast and then eats it anyway.

Fact #3 - 08/01/08

Kittens are made of lies.

Fact #4 - 09/01/08

Flowers emit lethal gamma radiation if you say nasty things about their mothers.

Fact #5 - 10/01/08

Deep fried books taste like Jesus.

Fact #6 - 11/01/08

Every time a shrew eats butterscotch, a fairy dies.

Fact #7 - 12/01/08

Coca-cola is not a cure for AIDS.

Fact #8 - 15/01/08

Pandora's box actually contained a really nice pair of shoes.

Fact #9 - 29/01/08

The moon is made out of cheese, however it should not be eaten as it was not ethically produced.

Wakey Quakey

I just found this gem in the Daily Mail's coverage of the earthquake that happened in the early hours of the morning:

John Jenkin, from Bourne in Lincolnshire, was woken by the tremors and said that objects had fallen from shelves.

He said: "I was woken up. It was hell."

That's it. I haven't taken it out of context, that's all it says about John Jenkin. Since when has objects falling from shelves been a hellish experience? I mean if there was a special circle of hell for OCD sufferers then maybe I could understand, but my copy of Dante's Inferno indicates that no such thing exists. Perhaps John Jenkin needs to get a grip?

[Untitled 2]

Unfortunate duplicate use of abbreviation:


Brit smashes world record
Brit to get new image

In other news, I went shopping today and released it's quite fun to pretend that you're stalking a complete stranger when, in fact, by coincidence you're walking in the same direction.

Okey-cokey

Diet Coke lift advert:



I don't understand. At the end, why does he look like he's been done up the arse?

One Year Old!

This blog's one year old today! Whoopty doo. It's also the 50th post. Two milestones in one. Anyway, to celebrate I thought I'd do yet another shark-jumping 'blog about the blog' post. Here are my top 5 posts from the blog's first year:

5: Filthy - Sunday, 30 December 2007

I've had more hits thanks to this post than any other, thus it gets on 'the list'. People like middle-age tits apparently.

4: (Untitled) - Monday, 23 April 2007

Because sometimes a grainy scan and a short, bitchy, caption says more than a thousand words.

3: Coke FUCKING Zero - Friday, 2 November 2007

Why can't all good things come without downsides? Like adverts - but without a bunch of self-righteous whiny tossbags with a disturbing resemblance to a neo-Nazi movement.

2: The Death Cult of E-CARDS - Saturday, 24 March 2007

OMG!!! E-cards give you cancer!!! No, no they don't, fuck off Daily Mail.

1: Everyone Loves Stickers - Friday, 12 January 2007

People seemed to respond to VHS stickers. A bit like Lady Di, but with mass produced stickers. Thus this is No. 1.

A-Blog Year One - The Statistics

795 Visits
488 Absolute Unique Visitors
1,270 Page Views

And that's my self-indulgent tramp-fest over with. Hope you've enjoyed the blog and continue to do so.

Shoes, shoes, shoes

I have new shoes:


Getting them was not an enjoyable experience. What do you get if you cross a shoe-shop with the military? Clarks, apparently.

I went in and all the staff were stomping around with crazy headsets like they were part of some weird special ops force specialising in shoes. It's pretty unnerving having some guy randomly run over to you shouting: "Size tens? Size tens?!?" I kind of felt bad having to reply "um... no". The guy was clearly excited at the prospect of completing his mission of carrying some shoes across a store. Retail: it's where all the action is.

Speaking of retail, it's clear that middle-aged domineering tits are the next big thing since I've had a shitload of hits thanks to this previous post, even though it only appears on the second page of most of the Google results. Thing is, I'm a bit worried that some people have been searching for Alexa, Currys' Head of Sales, on the lookout for wank material - which the post, with it's reference to innuendo and Alexa's potential bizarre sexual practises, may possibly provide. I'm not sure how I feel about people potentially wanking off to something I've created. Maybe I should become a porn director. That would probably kill those concerns quite quickly.

New Year and Coast

Happy new year and all that. I was watching BBC1 when the 'event' occurred. Watching the fireworks at the London Eye on the telly is a bit of a tradition for me. This year they were spoiled slightly by continually changing camera angles (I just want to see the fireworks, not random plebs and men on boats inexplicably clad in outfits festooned with fairy lights) and the ramblings of Blue Peter dancing Welshman, Gethin Jones. Gethin made an effort at producing some kind of commentary but clearly had nothing to say, something that he admitted afterwards.

I was strangely irritated by Gethin's expressions of good will towards the nation. "Hope 2008 is a great year for you all," he may have said (I can't actually remember his exact words). I was just sat there thinking: "You don't care whether I live or die Gethin. You don't even know I exist. You insincere shit".

This relentless positivity that the TV people seem to think we want rammed down our throats is getting right on my fucking nerves. I was watching Coast on BBC2 yesterday and that managed to irritate me as well. I just got sick of the constant "wow, looking at this bit of coast has turned this into the best day of my life" and "this bit of coast is possibly the most beautiful bit of coast in the country". This latter phrase is so overused that apparently half the fucking coast of Great Britain is competing for the title of "prettiest bit of sand and rock and shit that happens to be next to the sea". Why can we not have an episode of Coast where the guy goes somewhere a bit mediocre and goes "hmm, well this is an average bit of coast. Not a great bit of coast at all. I've seen better bits of coast"? It might not make great telly but you could cut the bits about shit bits of coast down to a minute or so and have them interspersed throughout the show. Then it might, y'know give a bit of context to the lovely bits of coast. It might also give the presenters a chance to calm fucking down. Some of them get so wound up about lovely bits of coast that I worry they might explode.

I was going to do an 'awards' post at the end of last year with my best film and TV programme and shit like some other people have done. I forgot, but don't feel disappointed for I shall reveal my favourites now:

Best Film of 2007
Zodiac
(Comedy: Hot Fuzz)

Best TV Programme of 2007
Boy A
(Comedy: Peep Show/Mock the Week)

Best Book of 2007
Probably Harry Potter 7 by virtue of the fact that it was the only book I remember reading this last year that was actually released in 2007
(Humour: Confessions of a Chatroom Freak)

Best Video Game of 2007
Super Mario Galaxy - Wii