Comic Relief

Apparently the contestants on Comic Relief Celebrity Mastermind are going to be facing 'THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST INTERROGATION'. Unless they're going to have their chests and genitals cut with a scalpel in front of families across the nation at half seven in the evening, I somehow doubt it.

Oh, and according to Patrick Kielty "thousands of children are living lives that they just shouldn't have". Yeah, let's put the miserable fuckers to death, eh? Christ.

Horne and Corden Promotional Photos

Ooh, look at us, we look sort-of confused and yet at the same time sort-of not.

Tossers.

Hollyoaks Later Is Poo

Here's a screengrab from Hollyoaks Later:


Hmm... I feel hungry. I wonder what they serve at that pub. Let's see... hmm... there's bar snacks. Well, good, I like bar snacks! What else I wonder... let's have a look... hmm... wait... does that say...?


Poo?! Fuck it, let's go to McDonald's instead...

Hollyoaks Later In Ten Words

It's Hollyoaks but an hour long and Josh says 'fuck'.

Sachs's Granddaughter Does A 180

So first Andrew Sachs's granddaughter was all angry and upset, and then it started to look like she could make a load of money off the back of the whole thing, and now she isn't quite so angry anymore:

Baillie in call to reinstate stars

The 23-year-old said Radio 2 DJ Brand's resignation and Ross's three month suspension without pay was "out of proportion".

Baillie, who performs with her dance troupe the Satanic Sluts, has also told how she wants to pursue a career as an actress and model.

She [said]: "I want to keep performing with my dance troupe. And all these modelling offers have come through which is quite interesting. I thought about doing modelling a few years ago but was told I was a bit too chunky for that, but now all of a sudden I'm not, so that's great.

"So I think I might be doing a bit of modelling, and I've also done a bit of acting in the past, so I might try and get back into that."

We'll see her being spitroasted by Callum Best and Paul Dannan on ITV2 sometime soon, mark my words.

Smug Strings

This advert has something it wants to share with you all:



Christ, negative campaigning's moved from politics to advertising. It's spreading like cancer. Next we'll have books with little sound chips in so that when you walk into Waterstones you'll be subjected to a cacophony of little synthetic voices smugly informing you that their book's better than the other's because it's got a longer word-count and it's part of Richard and Judy's Book Club.

It's not just the message of the advert that irritates me, it's the method it's transmitted as well - through hundreds and hundreds of miles of string, carefully laid across the entire country. Think about it - imagine how horrible that imaginary world must be if it's full of people willing to go to such a ridiculous effort purely so that can listen to some smug bitch ramble on at them about how one brand of fromage frais is better than the other. Ugh.

And another thing - why is it only mothers who are being told about this? What about dads? What about people from unconventional family units? This advert discriminates against more than just artificial ingredients. If I were a gay man made from fructose I'd be outraged.

Watch Out, Gillette's About

New Gillette advert:


Buy Gillette razors or they'll pay famous sportspeople to physically assault you in a campaign of violence and intimidation. Great. Next you'll have Alan Sugar shitting on your doorstep because you didn't buy whatever the hell it is that he flogs these days.

That's What I'm Talkin' About!

My exams are over, and so is The Apprentice 2008. I have my degree and Lee's the apprentice. As the Leicester Mercury put it, 'Amstrad's gain is porn's loss' (?).

But something Lucidna said way back in the advertising task has become massively pertinent.


Remember the bit where Lucinda was coming up with 'off the wall' ideas for the advertising campaign? I was a bit concerned about what she was going to say.

"If we're looking at shock tactics, and it's probably uncomfortable to some, but it's going to come up more and more and more..."

Shit, I thought. 'Tissue 9/11'. She's going to say 'tissue 9/11'. Oh God, please don't say 'tissue 9/11.'

She continued: "...And [what's] become stronger and stronger and stronger, as it should do, is homosexuality. And people would be talking about that advert."

Thank fuck, I thought, she didn't say 'tissue 9/11'.

But roll on a few weeks...

Heinz mayonnaise advert with two men kissing set to become most complained of the year
Heinz pulls ad showing men kissing
Gaydar Radio calls for boycott after 'men kissing' ad pulled

Byebye 3.6 million consumers! Didn't think that through did you Lucinda? You silly dick.

The offending ad:



And that's it. No more Apprentice this year. But there's always next year, and Raef might even get a chat show in the meantime, which will be nice... I guess?

PC Gone... Hair

New Head & Shoulders advert:


"OMG, why is it always acceptable to slag off 'white' but not other colours like 'darkie brown'? This advert could only be made under NooLabour, PC gone mad, etc. etc. etc."

No really, people actually think that. Actual real people.

I searched Google for this advert, and what was the first result? That's right, a fucking white power forum. Un-cunting-believable. I was going to take the piss out of this advert because obviously it's possible to read a racial context into it if you really try, but actually seriously taking the advert as some kind of anti-white propaganda? Jesus. Here are some of the best/worst posts:

I hate advertising. Whenever I see a PC advert, I can just imagine the brainstorming session that led up to it; "yeah, lets have a young couple advertising our new car"..."wouldn't it be better if we had a mixed race couple to reflect todays modern society?"..."Lets give them a couple of kids also to put the advert really out there".

Yeah, 'cos it's really cr-r-r-r-razy to suggest that mixed race couples are, y'know, capable of reproducing.

"Helps enhance your vibrancy, while keeping white flakes at bay."

Consider "vibrancy" in the modern PC context, always used as a euphemism for non-whites and their activities in society, and then "help keep white flakes at bay"; i.e. flakes as the nervous, nerdy guys trendy white women are spurning in increasing numbers in favour of the exotic Negro.

Am I reading too much into this?

Yes, you paranoid racist cunt.

this is just the beginning for anti-white soon there be chocomilk ad's where they say cause we don't like whites, and people won't read into these ads they will just become a normal thing then they hit us with the big anti-white ads but as people will of become tolerant with the ads noone will care

One day Ian Wright will cut the ribbon at a new concentration camp for white people, and it'll all be Quicky the Nesquik bunny's fault, the black leporine bastard.

Humanity is fucked.

Another Rubbish BT Advert

As you can tell from here, here and here, I'm not a big fan of the BT Family adverts. And now there's a new one. Hoo-twating-ray.


Don't worry Kris Marshall, this is the woman who managed to delete a folder from both its original location and the Recycle Bin all by accident, as well as somehow 'deleting' photos that exist in physical form, remember? It's not your fault, she probably just doesn't understand what a cock is.

Just for the record, I'd make a joke about you having a tiny-to-the-point-of-being-invisible penis, but I guess since you've just been in a car accident it wouldn't be in the best of taste.

Evil Teletubbies

Brilliant comment by one Guy Reid-Brown on Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens' blog:

I have noticed an actual, real, persistent lowering of the intelligence amongst people now... I recognise that the South-East is considerably further down the line then most other places but it is appalling that so much 'conversation' sounds like Cavemen in an early Hammer film, almost devoid of consonants - 'uh, oh-eh ih' - but recognisably full of hate and deadness.

The Teletubbies summed it all up really - visually interchangeable creatures with screens in their stomachs (a perfect visual metaphor) living on an evil hill with a scary chuckling baby in place of the sun and communicating in incomprehensible vowel sounds.

It WOULD be the BBC that originated this - inevitable somehow.

Those BBC bastards, eh? They'll ruin us all.

Bakey Bollocks

Swing and a miss for Kelloggs with their advert for Nutri-Grain bars:

So I'm supposed to buy products from people who potentially put members of the public at risk of very serious harm by pretending to be doctors and, in most cases, misdiagnosing them with fucking 'cakey pangs'? Are you being serious Kelloggs? Hmmm?

And what is he going to with that oven glove? Shove it up his arse? Ugh.

Misogynistic Shite

Unsurprisingly I am not impressed by the latest advert for Coke Zero:



That ex - what a bitch, eh? How dare she move on with her life?! Why, she should spend the rest of her life alone, like some sort of faithful widow! After all if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with 'Our Hero' (as the somewhat presumptuous caption labels him) she deserves solitude!

Ugh... what a crock of neanderthal shite.

I'm waiting for the Coke Zero advert where a man callously hurls his wife down the stairs in a fit of frenzied misogynistic rage. I doubt I'll have to wait long.

I don't know what I hate more about these adverts, their swaggering lad-ish disregard for women or the fact that they seem to turn me into some sort of bizarre raving feminist. Ugh.

The Second Coming Of Clearasil

Clearasil have done it again. As if their previous advert wasn't brilliant enough they've now gone and produced this transcendental masterpiece:



"You should see me now."

What? Right now? In front of your Mum (or Mom - Britain doesn't deserve adverts of its own, it seems)? You want your boyfriend to ogle your naked body with your mother right there, sat on the sofa next to him? I suggest you seek professional help because you obviously have some deep-seated psychiatric issues. Fuck your spots, your head's broken, you mad perverted bitch.

Ugh...

The new advert for the BBC's Eastenders:



Utterly horrible, like a penis through the eyesocket (not that I'd know).

The Apprentice

Yesterday saw the beginning of a new series of The Apprentice on BBC1, which for those of you who've been trapped inside a box (or just watch ITV all the time, in which case: what the fuck is wrong with you?) is a reality-ish show where several aspiring business people compete for the chance to be the apprentice of successful business-guy Sir Alan Sugar.

First up for the boot was prize cunt Nicholas de Lacy-Brown (he pinched the 'de Lacy' bit from his grandmother, apparently in a bid to make people aware that he's an ostentatious twat before they even meet him). This video does a more than adequate job of demonstrating what an utter prick the man is:



What's that Nick? You're a barrister? With legal qualifications? You kept that quiet didn't you? Never would have guessed. Ugh.

Here's some more evidence of his cunthood from the opening of the biography on his website:

It was Virgil who stated in his Ecologues: ‘Non omnia possumus omnes’ (We can’t all do everything), a statement which many have been happy to oblige. In Nicholas de Lacy-Brown however, there lies a man who is prepared to question such apathy. Undoubtedly a man of many talents, he has lived his short twenty-four years with a vivacity and boldness which few could achieve in a lifetime.

What. A. Twat.

Incest

What is it with Channel 4 and incest? First we had Rhys fucking his half-sister Beth on Hollyoaks, then we had Ian fucking his half-brother on Shameless. And those are just the ones I know about. Now Channel 4 are giving us a whole programme dedicated to people fucking their half-siblings, Sleeping With My Sister.

According to Channel 4's blurb:

Over nine months, the documentary follows the lives of Nick and Danielle, in Scotland; and a couple in the US. Both couples are in the grip of a powerful incestuous love: a passion that is set to destroy marriages, and will see Nick and Danielle prosecuted for incest.

The Guardian's TV guide doesn't seem impressed though: "It's hard to understand why they decided to make this show, particularly as Tom and Stephanie [the US couple] hadn't yet told their respective spouses". I imagine they decided to make this show because some Channel 4 exec has a really, really unhealthy interest in incest. Let's hope Channel 4 never buy up the rights to Family Fortunes because I dread to think what they'd do with it.

Kick In The Face

My most hated advert at the moment is the one for Wrigley Airwaves. Y'know the one, a bunch of people are psyching themselves up, chanting some uplifting aspirational bollocks and then your jaw drops as it ends and you discover all this is somehow about chewing gum, chewing gum, for fuck's sake. "Experience the kick", the slogan says. It's just chewing gum! Chewing gum some with a bit of eucalyptus and menthol stuff in it!

I looked for a video of the ad online but, oddly, couldn't find anything. All I could find was an article on talkingretail.com about the advert which pissed me off even more - link. According to Wrigley, the "energetic ad features people in various situations psyching themselves up in readiness for a revitalising ‘kick’ from Wrigley’s Airwaves". Who the fuck needs to psych themselves up in order to have some chewing gum? I intended that to be a rhetorical question, but fuck it, I'll answer it anyway: fucking mentalists psych themselves up before chewing gum. It's just fucking chewing gum! Jesus.

There's more though:

Combining dynamism and engagement, the campaign aims to further strengthen the overall Airwaves brand popularity with consumers, which will in turn support retailers’ sales. Our advice to retailers would be to keep fully stocked to take advantage of the profit potential.

Quickly retailers! Get some Airwaves in stock now, or you'll be fucked! You're dealing with 'dynamism' and 'engagement' here. You don't piss around when those concepts are on the table. Just think: run out of stock and those dynamic customers'll be going to other stores to get their gum: they'll be taking it from another store's rack, handing over the money at another store's counter, spending several minutes psyching themselves up in another store, scaring away customer with their demented aspirational ranting at another store, getting shouted at and told to leave by the staff of another store... Actually, you know what? You're probably fine. Leave the 'dynamism' and 'engagement' to other people. People who enjoy selling chewing gum to the mentally challenged.

69! Hahaha! Do you see? 69!!!

I'm really disappointed with the advert for the new Now 69 album:



Forty seconds and not one bit of '69' related innuendo. Fucking rubbish.

White

So it looks like the BBC are starting to get a bit worried that, y'know, maybe the Daily Mail's been right all along and, like, the BBC really is, like, all left-wing and PC and that. Thus in an apparent attempt to appease all those Daily Mail sorts, they've come up with a new 'White' season, based around the question 'Is white working class Britain becoming invisible?'.

And as if expressing that question through words isn't enough, their website also expresses it with a lovely image:


It's like, OMG, all those evil darkies have, like, drawn on that guy's face. Or something.

But, alas, the BBC haven't managed to please everyone. Daily Mail columnist Amanda Platell isn't happy:

A new TV series aims to give a voice to the "forgotten" working class.

I long for the day a similar treatise is aired on the forgotten middle class - who've been bled dry by Labour, held in contempt by the BBC and mocked by the liberal elite, while providing the backbone of this nation's success. Don't hold your breath.

Imagine if the BBC did do a series of programmes on the white middle class though. If all middle class people are like the twats on the Daily Mail website then they'd probably end up with drama programmes looking like this:

[A MAN is stood in a room]

MAN: Look at me! I'm a white middle man and I'm so hard fucking done by! Boo twatting hoo, everyone hates me and I'm such a victim! Waa! Waa!

[The MAN gracelessly flops to the floor and begins to beat it with his fists, all the while shrieking like a six-month old child]

Yeah, looks shit doesn't it? Perhaps, instead of coming up with shite ideas for TV, Amanda should occupy herself with something more constructive like, I dunno, toppling down a set of stairs while I watch from the top, a cold gleam in my eye, watch her her tumble like a ragdoll until she lies still at the bottom, her neck broken, her eyes glazed and dead. I don't like Amanda Platell. Can you tell?