Google Excitement

Ever since I've starting getting an increasing number of hits through Google searches I've developed a new hobby kind of thing: copying the search keywords people have used so that I can see where I am in the searches. It's quite exciting, but a bit sad. Searching for "best fucking christmas ecard" will see me appear on page 3 (page 3 - teeheehee!). I don't know why you'd be searching for that, let alone scouring through several pages of results, but there you go.

"Bt advert cast 2007" does a bit better - I'm the second result. I quite like the little sampler that comes up too: "Cast your vote! Vote for PASTA, you mindless consumer drones. Watch. What next, David Cameron appearing in an advert for big bags of heroin?" That should draw people in. If they're searching for totally perverse things like "bt advert cast 2007". The freaks.

I'm pretty pleased with my placing for "gary barlow weblog" - I'm the fourth result, right under a BBC website. Go me. I'm the first - first! - result for "satanic christmas e-cards" of all things, and third for "satanic e-cards". Why people are searching for such things I do not know. Search for "advert ocean finance pool" and I appear in both second and third place for some reason. I'm third and fourth for "astrologist justin topper". Search for both "mars advert (lights turning on)" and "mars light advert" and I'm at the top.

I've already mentioned the whole "gays are evil" thing below, but additionally, my other blog, Voicewatch is on the first page of results for "zoos are evil". As with the whole "gays are evil" thing, the little sample sadly makes me out to be a rabid homophobe: "Evil Gays Defile Zoo - Those gays have a fucking nerve, eh? Not only do they perform sinful acts with each other, they - get this - have parties in zoos as..." Lamentably you have to click on the link to realise that I'm taking the piss.

So that's my latest obsession. It could be worse I suppose, at least I've not started collecting model trains. Or making matchstick models. Or kneecapping innocent people. Because all of those things would be bad.

Revenge of the Evil Gays

I was having a look at my site stats a minute ago and noticed that I got a hit through someone searching on Google for "gays are evil". Unsurprisingly, I was slightly concerned about this. Maybe I'd been sleep-posting 'gay hate' material or something. I decided to investigate. It turned out they'd been sent to this post about Christian Voice bitching about a gay event at a zoo. I went on Google and stuck "gays are evil" (without parentheses) into it to see what happened. Turns out the post is right at the top of the second page of results. That's pretty high.

The bad thing is that all you can see from the search result is the heading, "Evil Gays 'Invade Zoo'", and this bit of text: "I kind of thought that Britain, although flawed, was a reasonably nice place to live. I mean someone stole a parcel out of my front ..."

That's really bad. I mean it looks as if I continued and went:

"I mean someone stole a parcel out of my front yard - but at least they were straight! Then I remembered that gay people existed and that gay people lived in Britain... and then I changed my mind and decided that Britain was a shithole - and we all know what gays do with shitholes!!!111one"

My real name's in the URL of this bugger too. People are going to think I'm a right homophobe. But then... they'll only see that if they search for "gays are evil", and you'd have to be pretty homophobic to search for that... except... I searched for that. But I was only checking... I... I'm not a homophobe... am I?

The answer is "no", by the way.

Evil Gays 'Invade Zoo'

I kind of thought that Britain, although flawed, was a reasonably nice place to live. I mean someone stole a parcel out of my front yard last week, but at least I don't get bombed/raped/stabbed every time I leave the house.

But anyway, apparently I've been wrong about Britain. It turns out we're living in a 'nation of pain' populated by evil sinners with 'a Government in rebellion'. People don't take marriage seriously, children are encouraged to be sexually promiscuous, everyone is drowning in a sea of crime, the walls in our hospitals are smeared with the shit of the damned and (gasp!) there are men who do it with each other! Where did I uncover this terrible reality? The website of Christian Voice, a not-at-all-unreasonable-oh-no Christian group who think that everything has gone wrong.

Thing is, everything hasn't gone wrong and pretty much everything that Christian Voice says is a big bag of shite. Now, Christian Voice have a pet hate, and that pet hate is gay people, or 'homosexuals' as they unceasingly refer to them. And if there's one thing that they hate more than 'homosexuals', it's 'homosexuals' in a zoo. Thus when London Zoo held a 'Gay Sunday' event, Christian Voice (or 'CV' as I will now refer to them, as I'm sick of typing out their name) 'condemned' the event.

There were a number of perks to attending the event, including access to various bits and pieces of the zoo, a live band, etc. But the perk that really riled CV was what they described as 'a staggering 20% discount'. Yes, a 'staggering' discount. Let's look up the word 'staggering' in the OED, shall we? Here we are: "lit. Reeling, tottering, etc". It saddens me that there is someone in the world who is actually left reeling - reeling - by the fact that some people have got a 20% discount. It's twenty fucking percent! They save £1.45. You could only buy, I don't know, a solitary grain of really pure heroin with that. It's nothing. Nothing.

Stephen Green, National Director of CV wasn't happy with this:

"Incredibly, by paying less, the gays got more. The ordinary punter didn't have an exclusive garden party or a barbecue - they had to queue for their overpriced food and drink with everyone else."

Serves them fucking right for not liking cock. Additionally, I'm amused at the use of the word 'incredibly', as if this were the most shocking thing on Earth, and not just some gays (oh, sorry, 'homosexuals') having an event at a zoo. Gays in a zoo? End of the world as we know it.

There were also a number of pictures with captions that amused me. They speak for themselves:




Nice. If you want to read the whole thing you can find it here: link, although I've already taken the piss out of all the funny bits so you'll probably just find it faintly depressing. Ho hum.