Comic Relief

Apparently the contestants on Comic Relief Celebrity Mastermind are going to be facing 'THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST INTERROGATION'. Unless they're going to have their chests and genitals cut with a scalpel in front of families across the nation at half seven in the evening, I somehow doubt it.

Oh, and according to Patrick Kielty "thousands of children are living lives that they just shouldn't have". Yeah, let's put the miserable fuckers to death, eh? Christ.

Horne and Corden Promotional Photos

Ooh, look at us, we look sort-of confused and yet at the same time sort-of not.

Tossers.

That's What I'm Talkin' About!

My exams are over, and so is The Apprentice 2008. I have my degree and Lee's the apprentice. As the Leicester Mercury put it, 'Amstrad's gain is porn's loss' (?).

But something Lucidna said way back in the advertising task has become massively pertinent.


Remember the bit where Lucinda was coming up with 'off the wall' ideas for the advertising campaign? I was a bit concerned about what she was going to say.

"If we're looking at shock tactics, and it's probably uncomfortable to some, but it's going to come up more and more and more..."

Shit, I thought. 'Tissue 9/11'. She's going to say 'tissue 9/11'. Oh God, please don't say 'tissue 9/11.'

She continued: "...And [what's] become stronger and stronger and stronger, as it should do, is homosexuality. And people would be talking about that advert."

Thank fuck, I thought, she didn't say 'tissue 9/11'.

But roll on a few weeks...

Heinz mayonnaise advert with two men kissing set to become most complained of the year
Heinz pulls ad showing men kissing
Gaydar Radio calls for boycott after 'men kissing' ad pulled

Byebye 3.6 million consumers! Didn't think that through did you Lucinda? You silly dick.

The offending ad:



And that's it. No more Apprentice this year. But there's always next year, and Raef might even get a chat show in the meantime, which will be nice... I guess?

Evil Teletubbies

Brilliant comment by one Guy Reid-Brown on Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens' blog:

I have noticed an actual, real, persistent lowering of the intelligence amongst people now... I recognise that the South-East is considerably further down the line then most other places but it is appalling that so much 'conversation' sounds like Cavemen in an early Hammer film, almost devoid of consonants - 'uh, oh-eh ih' - but recognisably full of hate and deadness.

The Teletubbies summed it all up really - visually interchangeable creatures with screens in their stomachs (a perfect visual metaphor) living on an evil hill with a scary chuckling baby in place of the sun and communicating in incomprehensible vowel sounds.

It WOULD be the BBC that originated this - inevitable somehow.

Those BBC bastards, eh? They'll ruin us all.

Ugh...

The new advert for the BBC's Eastenders:



Utterly horrible, like a penis through the eyesocket (not that I'd know).

The Apprentice

Yesterday saw the beginning of a new series of The Apprentice on BBC1, which for those of you who've been trapped inside a box (or just watch ITV all the time, in which case: what the fuck is wrong with you?) is a reality-ish show where several aspiring business people compete for the chance to be the apprentice of successful business-guy Sir Alan Sugar.

First up for the boot was prize cunt Nicholas de Lacy-Brown (he pinched the 'de Lacy' bit from his grandmother, apparently in a bid to make people aware that he's an ostentatious twat before they even meet him). This video does a more than adequate job of demonstrating what an utter prick the man is:



What's that Nick? You're a barrister? With legal qualifications? You kept that quiet didn't you? Never would have guessed. Ugh.

Here's some more evidence of his cunthood from the opening of the biography on his website:

It was Virgil who stated in his Ecologues: ‘Non omnia possumus omnes’ (We can’t all do everything), a statement which many have been happy to oblige. In Nicholas de Lacy-Brown however, there lies a man who is prepared to question such apathy. Undoubtedly a man of many talents, he has lived his short twenty-four years with a vivacity and boldness which few could achieve in a lifetime.

What. A. Twat.

White

So it looks like the BBC are starting to get a bit worried that, y'know, maybe the Daily Mail's been right all along and, like, the BBC really is, like, all left-wing and PC and that. Thus in an apparent attempt to appease all those Daily Mail sorts, they've come up with a new 'White' season, based around the question 'Is white working class Britain becoming invisible?'.

And as if expressing that question through words isn't enough, their website also expresses it with a lovely image:


It's like, OMG, all those evil darkies have, like, drawn on that guy's face. Or something.

But, alas, the BBC haven't managed to please everyone. Daily Mail columnist Amanda Platell isn't happy:

A new TV series aims to give a voice to the "forgotten" working class.

I long for the day a similar treatise is aired on the forgotten middle class - who've been bled dry by Labour, held in contempt by the BBC and mocked by the liberal elite, while providing the backbone of this nation's success. Don't hold your breath.

Imagine if the BBC did do a series of programmes on the white middle class though. If all middle class people are like the twats on the Daily Mail website then they'd probably end up with drama programmes looking like this:

[A MAN is stood in a room]

MAN: Look at me! I'm a white middle man and I'm so hard fucking done by! Boo twatting hoo, everyone hates me and I'm such a victim! Waa! Waa!

[The MAN gracelessly flops to the floor and begins to beat it with his fists, all the while shrieking like a six-month old child]

Yeah, looks shit doesn't it? Perhaps, instead of coming up with shite ideas for TV, Amanda should occupy herself with something more constructive like, I dunno, toppling down a set of stairs while I watch from the top, a cold gleam in my eye, watch her her tumble like a ragdoll until she lies still at the bottom, her neck broken, her eyes glazed and dead. I don't like Amanda Platell. Can you tell?

New Year and Coast

Happy new year and all that. I was watching BBC1 when the 'event' occurred. Watching the fireworks at the London Eye on the telly is a bit of a tradition for me. This year they were spoiled slightly by continually changing camera angles (I just want to see the fireworks, not random plebs and men on boats inexplicably clad in outfits festooned with fairy lights) and the ramblings of Blue Peter dancing Welshman, Gethin Jones. Gethin made an effort at producing some kind of commentary but clearly had nothing to say, something that he admitted afterwards.

I was strangely irritated by Gethin's expressions of good will towards the nation. "Hope 2008 is a great year for you all," he may have said (I can't actually remember his exact words). I was just sat there thinking: "You don't care whether I live or die Gethin. You don't even know I exist. You insincere shit".

This relentless positivity that the TV people seem to think we want rammed down our throats is getting right on my fucking nerves. I was watching Coast on BBC2 yesterday and that managed to irritate me as well. I just got sick of the constant "wow, looking at this bit of coast has turned this into the best day of my life" and "this bit of coast is possibly the most beautiful bit of coast in the country". This latter phrase is so overused that apparently half the fucking coast of Great Britain is competing for the title of "prettiest bit of sand and rock and shit that happens to be next to the sea". Why can we not have an episode of Coast where the guy goes somewhere a bit mediocre and goes "hmm, well this is an average bit of coast. Not a great bit of coast at all. I've seen better bits of coast"? It might not make great telly but you could cut the bits about shit bits of coast down to a minute or so and have them interspersed throughout the show. Then it might, y'know give a bit of context to the lovely bits of coast. It might also give the presenters a chance to calm fucking down. Some of them get so wound up about lovely bits of coast that I worry they might explode.

I was going to do an 'awards' post at the end of last year with my best film and TV programme and shit like some other people have done. I forgot, but don't feel disappointed for I shall reveal my favourites now:

Best Film of 2007
Zodiac
(Comedy: Hot Fuzz)

Best TV Programme of 2007
Boy A
(Comedy: Peep Show/Mock the Week)

Best Book of 2007
Probably Harry Potter 7 by virtue of the fact that it was the only book I remember reading this last year that was actually released in 2007
(Humour: Confessions of a Chatroom Freak)

Best Video Game of 2007
Super Mario Galaxy - Wii

Random Shite

I just got sent an e-mail from HMV with the subject line: "Go all the way with Jonny". What? I... I don't even know who Jonny is. Why the fuck would I want to go "all the way" with him? That's... that's just wrong. Ugh.

Anyway, I was just watching a bit of that Leave Us Kids Alone on BBC3, and one of the parents said of their teenagers: "He's like a one-man idiot". Um... what? How... how does that work? Are idiots normally Siamese twins or split-personality sufferers or something? I... I don't understand.

Oh, also today, I went into a lecture to find that someone had left an big empty bottle of vodka stuff on the floor:

That must have been a fun lecture for somebody.

Oh, and some news hot off the press - tonight a man wandered into our front yard and cut the wire off the discarded freezer lying there. He then wandered off with his prize. Bizarre.

Shark Kids

I was going to make a horribly offensive joke comparing this incident with Steve Irwin's death. I actually wrote the post but chickened out because it was just a bit horrible and not actually funny. But then I glanced at the website again and noticed something weird.

As you may have noticed, the site I looked at was the Newsround website. But if you look at the column on the right, you can see this:


Seriously, how many stories of shark related violence does a kid need? We've got enough problems with kids without them trying to happy-slap sharks. I wonder how many kids have been unable to sleep after going on the Newsround website, crying that 'the sharks' are going to 'get them'?

Looks the like Daily Mail has been right all along, the BBC are evil fucks.

Unfunny Sketch

I happened upon some files yesterday which contained some material for this blog that I never posted. One of the files contained some sketches I wrote to take the piss out of Tittybangbang, the dire 'comedy' sketch show on BBC3. Basically I'd decided to write some sketches of equal comedic value to highlight just how crap the show is. Here's one of the results:

[HUSBAND is sitting at a table. WIFE walks in.]
HUSBAND: Hello dear! How was work today?
WIFE: I didn’t go to work. I called up and quit in the morning.
HUSBAND: Oh…
WIFE: I quit because I’m leaving. I’m moving away.
HUSBAND: What? But what about our baby?
WIFE: I went and had an abortion. I don’t want to have a child with you.
HUSBAND: Oh.
WIFE: I’m leaving you. I packed my bags this morning. There’s a cab outside.
HUSBAND: Um… goodbye then?
WIFE: Yes, goodbye. You shit.
[SKETCH ENDS]

M.I. High

At this very moment I'm watching the new CBBC kids TV program called M.I. High. And it's fucking shit. I know it's only kids TV but really... none of the kids can act, and the plot? In today's episode the Prime Minister's decided to invade the rest of Europe, all on his own... cos that's like so plausible. Next week the kids travel back in time to stop Prince Philip gouging out the Diana driver's eyes with lasers. Half the cast is from Red Dwarf apparently but that doesn't seem to help either. Oh, and the two girls pick on the boy cos that's what girls do these days. Well don't come crying to me when you end up having to work with a passive-aggressive latent homosexual, girls, bringing his 'shag' back to the hideout for some non-Richard Littlejohn approved fun then crying his eyes out for hours, shrieking like a little girl, trapped in a mire of self-hatred and confusion - and that's before he hits the vodka. And maybe it's just me but in this crazy modern world isn't a group of kids taking 'commands' from some guy in a dark basement a bit sinister?

Classic moment: "Interview this!" shouts the PM before locking one of the female secret agents (complete with look of horror) into an empty classroom. That's right, a typical empty classroom, replete with flimsy door and already-half-broken windows and what-have-you. How does she get out? Exploding the lock on the door with some kind of magic laser lipstick. Just... like... kick the door or jump out of the window or something you silly bitch... it's cheaper. Fuck the NHS, let's spend all the tax on laser lipstick! It's the future!

Oh, and apparently we can solve our problems with Europe if we just 'chill out'. Yeah, let's just 'chill out', that'll solve all the immigration and human rights issues! Yay!

If I ever see my kids watching dross like this I'll travel back in time and have them aborted. The shits.