New Year and Coast

Happy new year and all that. I was watching BBC1 when the 'event' occurred. Watching the fireworks at the London Eye on the telly is a bit of a tradition for me. This year they were spoiled slightly by continually changing camera angles (I just want to see the fireworks, not random plebs and men on boats inexplicably clad in outfits festooned with fairy lights) and the ramblings of Blue Peter dancing Welshman, Gethin Jones. Gethin made an effort at producing some kind of commentary but clearly had nothing to say, something that he admitted afterwards.

I was strangely irritated by Gethin's expressions of good will towards the nation. "Hope 2008 is a great year for you all," he may have said (I can't actually remember his exact words). I was just sat there thinking: "You don't care whether I live or die Gethin. You don't even know I exist. You insincere shit".

This relentless positivity that the TV people seem to think we want rammed down our throats is getting right on my fucking nerves. I was watching Coast on BBC2 yesterday and that managed to irritate me as well. I just got sick of the constant "wow, looking at this bit of coast has turned this into the best day of my life" and "this bit of coast is possibly the most beautiful bit of coast in the country". This latter phrase is so overused that apparently half the fucking coast of Great Britain is competing for the title of "prettiest bit of sand and rock and shit that happens to be next to the sea". Why can we not have an episode of Coast where the guy goes somewhere a bit mediocre and goes "hmm, well this is an average bit of coast. Not a great bit of coast at all. I've seen better bits of coast"? It might not make great telly but you could cut the bits about shit bits of coast down to a minute or so and have them interspersed throughout the show. Then it might, y'know give a bit of context to the lovely bits of coast. It might also give the presenters a chance to calm fucking down. Some of them get so wound up about lovely bits of coast that I worry they might explode.

I was going to do an 'awards' post at the end of last year with my best film and TV programme and shit like some other people have done. I forgot, but don't feel disappointed for I shall reveal my favourites now:

Best Film of 2007
Zodiac
(Comedy: Hot Fuzz)

Best TV Programme of 2007
Boy A
(Comedy: Peep Show/Mock the Week)

Best Book of 2007
Probably Harry Potter 7 by virtue of the fact that it was the only book I remember reading this last year that was actually released in 2007
(Humour: Confessions of a Chatroom Freak)

Best Video Game of 2007
Super Mario Galaxy - Wii

Filthy

I haven't posted over Christmas, although that doesn't seem to have damaged the number of hits I've had. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas. And what comes after Christmas? Why sales of course!

Have you seen Currys' sale adverts? You should have done - there are bloody loads of them. They're all based around Alexa, the 'Head of Sales'. I've decided that Alexa is a filthy depraved bitch, largely due to the advert that you can view thanks to the advert viewing thing below:

I'm not sure I've ever seen such a short advert so packed with innuendo. I mean it doesn't start well with her saying "a good workout" in a slightly suggestive voice, but at least she's talking about something abstract. It all goes downhill from here. We get told about "top-of-the-range Dysons - with extra tools!". Lord knows what extra 'functions' those tools will allow Alexa to perform with her new Dyson. It doesn't bear thinking about.

The advert ends with Alexa repeating her slogan with a shifty look on her face: "If it's not really low, I don't want to know". I hope for the sake of human decency as a whole that Alexa does not apply this mantra to all aspects of her life. Particularly her sex life. "What's that? You want to have ordinary, regular sex? On a bed? You don't know me very well, do you? Remember: if it's not really low, I don't want to know. I want you to smear me in piss and shit and get a Premiership football team to come and roast me whilst a tramp injects me with cheap heroin. That's me. That's the real Alexa."
"But... um... I'm not sure I... I... I think I'm going to go now."
"No! No, wait! Oh. He's gone. Oh well, I least I have White Lightning. I'll always have White Lightning."

In other news, 70 people have joined a Facebook group. Yeah, that's right. This is news apparently. Or at least it is according to the Daily Mail. Look: link.

Mobile phone users are protesting after their network ditched a well-spoken middle-aged woman as its official voice - and replaced her with the "matey" tones of a much younger woman.

Then, further down:

Already, more than 70 people have signed up to [a] forum, called Bring Back The Original Orange Answerphone Woman, on the internet networking site Facebook.

On it, Ms Gibson's voice has been described as "squeaky", "matey", "annoying" and "patronising" and one customer asked: "Is it unnormal to be this irritated by a voicemail voice?"

I think you'll find it's 'abnormal'. And, to be honest, yes it is. Seriously, is this all it takes to get in a national newspaper these days? Because I'm pretty sure I could conjure up a 70-strong group on Facebook. In fact there are lots of groups on Facebook with more than 70 members. Here are some: 'The Anti-Daily Mail Coalition' (9002 members), 'The Daily Mail really are a bunch of fucking twats' (6692), 'Fuck the Daily Mail!' (607), 'Daily Mail Hating Feminazis From Hell' (241) and 'I'd rather chew my own nipples off than buy the Daily Mail' (111). I wonder if we'll be seeing a story about those sometime soon in the Mail...

XXXmas

Apparently it's not Christmas unless you've got a load of attractive young women dressed in Santa-outfit-themed miniskirt/dress things cavorting around your house. I refer, of course, to the video for the cover that Tony Christie did of Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody". What a misogynistic old pile of shite. Lookie:



Ugh. The bit that really pisses me off come around the 02:00 mark. Ooh look, now two of the attractive young women are pillow-fighting over a random mediocre-looking working-class guy! What a likely occurrence! I'm assuming Tony Christie came up with this video. Tony Christie is old. Yeah: ewww! Pervert. No wonder he looks so fucking cheerful. He probably feels like God. "I want tits in Santa outfits!" "Um... yes, Mr. Christie. Right away."

The weird thing is the end, where Christie randomly decides to leave the party and fucks off down an alleyway. It's a bit suspect. Tony pauses for a moment before walking into the alley as if checking that an unspecified someone was there. I mean... well I'm not going to beat around the bush, it looks as though Tony's fucking off to have gay sex in an alleyway. Cue cheap innuendo involving a reference to someone's 'Way to Amarillo'. That said I don't know why someone would deliberately insert (ho-ho!) a reference to themselves having gay sex in an alley at the end of their music video, so maybe I'm a bit off the mark. Maybe he's making a bit of a cry for help or something? I don't know.

Well... that... kind of ended on a random note... So... um... yeah. Merry Christmas and shit.

High School Horrible False-looking Bastard

Well, my Christmas holiday has started and so I will hopefully start to post around once a day again (if I ever did). Anyway...

I hate Zac Efron. I don't really know anything about him. I've never seen any of the films he's been in, and in fact the only time I've ever seen him in anything other than a still image is in adverts and the time that he randomly appeared on the Lotto draw programme. But this lack of knowledge is irrelevant - I'm the guy that walks down the street thinking: "You're a twat... you're a twat... cunt... you look acceptable... bitch... twat" towards random passers-by, as if I were some sort of archangel sent by God to sift through people as a prelude to Judgement Day. In case you hadn't guessed, I like to judge people. And quickly. We live in a time-poor society - why waste time doing silly things like 'getting to know people' before you decide whether they're total bastards or not? Anyway, I, judgemental bastard that I am, have decided I do not care for Mr. Efron.

He looks weird. I really do not understand how any human being could find him attractive. I mean... all the bits are in the right place... the eyes... the nose... the mouth (although I don't know of many people who do actually look like a badly assembled Mr. Potato Head), but somehow it all just looks a bit wrong, a bit like an alien masquerading (holy shit, I did actually just manage to spell that right without using spellcheck) as a human using some sort of crazy latex mask, like Planet of the Apes... but with humans. He looks like some sort of children's doll.

I can't imagine him having any sort of personal life. I just imagine the 'film people' packing him away in a crate after each film and keeping him in storage until the next one. He'd just lie there staring at the wall of his wooden box in total darkness with his horrible dead eyes. Occasionally he'd sleep and have dreams, dark dreams of agony and despair. Maybe they'd be like a My Chemical Romance video. I wouldn't really know. The only one I've seen is the one for that Black Parade song and that was a load of pompous arse. Mind you, I'd look like a bit strange if I had that crap in my dreams.

Anyway, I'm really just rambling now. Hope you readers have a happy Christmas. Unless you're Zac Efron. In which case, whilst I would not want to wish you a cheerful festive season, I would perhaps express a hope that your 'people' will decorate the inside of your box. Fair is fair.