The Return of Cainer

Well I'm at home now, and that means that, once again, I have to tolerate the Daily Mail. So, once again, I'm exposed to the evil of Jonathan Cainer. Here's the start of today's 'scope for us Leos:

When my children were younger, they had a favourite theme park ride. They each got to sit in a little car with a steering wheel to turn and a horn to honk.

Um... OK. An irrelevant but seemingly benign anecdote. But next...

They felt as if they were in control of their vehicle. Only they weren't. The whole thing was being pulled along a track. For them, ignorance was bliss.

The horoscope was starting to seem increasingly suspicious. Why would Jonathan start lecturing us about 'control'? Maybe... just maybe... Jonathan is brainwashing people using mind control...?

None of us minds living in a fantasy when we feel good, but none of us likes to give more energy than we must to an unnecessary worry. This week, something is bugging you. There is no need to let it.

Ah... and now it all comes clear. Jonathan Cainer's evil plan for world domination has entered its implementation phase and he has begun to use mind control against the nation... but his technique has not yet been perfected, and the people can sense that something is wrong. Cainer's horoscope is trying to throw us off the scent! Or... or maybe... just maybe... I'm being slightly... ever so slightly... paranoid...

More astrological madness

I wasn't even going to post today, but look: two whole posts!

Anyway, I ended up stumbling onto the Daily Express website and decided to check my horoscope while I was there. Would "Britain's best astrologer", Justin Topper, a crazy-haired bastard be up to the standard of dastardly Daily Mail astrologer Jonathan Cainer?

Let's have a look what my 'scope said:

You don't seem too bothered by your surroundings today. If anything, you should have more space to develop a relationship, and even plan a trip. Make the most of it, because there is no such thing as a free ticket. In fact, you're better off not moving.

This is just insane. I'm constantly bothered by my surroundings, that's bollocks. Everyone cares about their surroundings, it's why we don't live in houses with massive piles of shit piled in every room. And I'm somehow supposed to develop a relationship and plan a trip without even leaving my chair! Madness.

I wonder how many people agreed that they were "better off not moving" today and instead decided to sit around in a massive puddle of their own piss. Well considering Justin's audience is Daily Express readers, probably a surprisingly large number...

Yet More Jonathan

More news on the Jonathan Cainer front (for those not in the know, I suspect him of having an evil plot to take over the world, see here and here). Anyway, I was in a pub and noticed a copy of the world's great newspaper (if you're a Nazi), the Daily Mail. Flicking over to Cainer's horoscopes section I noticed the following:

Historic heads of state have openly asked astrologers when to start campaigns. In recent times, though, prime ministers and presidents have had to hold clandestine consultations. In the Eighties, for example, the Gorbachev-Reagan summits were timed to tie in with major planetary alignments. These were a great success, but when the truth about the cosmic connection came out, Reagan was embarrassed.
Great leaders, though, still like to know what their stars say. On Friday, I advised Gordon Brown against an election. On Saturday, he dropped the idea. Gordon, if you're reading, I'll give you more advice tomorrow.

So Cainer is already giving 'advice' to Gordon Brown. If we assume the worst (life's more interesting that way), Gordon Brown has been brainwashed by some kind of evil mind-machine and Cainer is now calling the shots. Cainer now has the keys to the UK. The world is doomed!

Evil Jonathan

If you cast your minds back to this post, you'll remember that I suspect astrologer Jonathan Cainer of having an evil plan to take over the Earth. Well apparently Cainer is taking his plan to the next level.

A week ago Jonathan stated in his 'Thought for the Day' that "next week, I will have a special announcement to make about a momentous change in the celestial situation". Apparently it was the calm before the storm and "we might consider it the grand finale before the new and gentle dawning of a different era". An era where you reign supreme over the entire world Cainer, you evil star-gazing freak? He continues: "Soon, whether we choose it or not, we will find that change comes into all our lives. That’s something to embrace, not fear". Speak for yourself Jonathan, I'm terrified - because you're going to enslave me!

A few days later I came across this disturbing letter:

Hi Jonathan,
My friend, who is very spiritual, constantly refers to the great change which is going to happen later this month when the Earth moves into the fourth dimension. I have not had a coherent explanation of what that really means. Do you have any insights you can share?
Freddie

They say we will enter the fifth dimension in 2012. I suppose it makes sense to visit the fourth first. At that rate, we'll be ready for the sixth in about 2017. Whether any of us will notice that these vital changes have occurred, though... is a moot point.

You'll have realised by now that, of course, these 'vital changes' post-2012 are moot points because by this time Cainer will have us all under his evil thrall and we'll be too docile to care. Perhaps the vital changes in 2012 and 2017 will involve some sort of ethnic cleansing - it takes time to build death-camps after all.

At the moment Cainer is in the Middle East, visiting historic sites whilst researching his book on "a powerful ancient prophecy". Does this ancient prophecy mention anything about a well-known astrologer gaining dominion o'er the Earth, perhaps?

I'm worried. I don't know exactly how Jonathan intends to take over our minds. But he's going to do it, and he's going to do it soon. Lock your doors - otherwise... um... he might come into your house at night and rummage around your cutlery draws... perhaps.

Changing Channels

There was a two-page spread in the paper today, written by astrologist Jonathan Cainer. Mr. Cainer was apparently revealing how a new comet will affect everyone’s love life in the coming year. Losing my common sense for a few minutes I actually read the thing (I’m a Leo in case there are any freakish web perverts out there who get a kick out of finding out complete stranger’s star-signs – there, I kindly sorted your daily wank out, aren’t I nice?).

Anyhoo, I was somewhat suspicious of the advice I was given to say the least. Apparently, “when we’re watching TV, we can change channels. Our personal dramas don’t normally offer that option. Or do they?”.

“Change channels?” I thought to myself. “What is Jonathan suggesting?”

I read on. Jonathan went on to tell me: “You’ll have to ask if you are prepared to live according to ‘how things really feel’ as opposed to ‘how you think they really ought to feel’… Something amazing is about to be released inside you… you begin to be the person you were always born to be.”

Perhaps I was getting the wrong end of Jonathan Cainer’s nutcase stick, but I began to suspect that Cainer was suggesting that I (and by extension a twelfth of the population) should turn gay in this coming year. This seemed somewhat major advice to be giving out to a whole twelfth of the population, and I began to wonder whether this was some time of bizarre mind control ploy by Cainer.

I wasn’t sure what the motive of this twisted social engineering was, but the conspiracy theorist long hidden within the depths of my mind began to have a few ideas. Perhaps this was some kind of attempt by Cainer to gradually become master of the world. Maybe he intended to start small, suggesting that people buy a pot plant perhaps, before working up to the bigger stuff – getting a divorce, or ‘changing channels’. After a while we would be so under Jonathan’s spell that we would barely notice when he took his throne as the Overlord of the entire planet.

But then I released that I was probably talking shit, so I went and watched some TV.

Speaking of which, the hoodie that Jamie Oliver wears in the new Sainsbury adverts makes him look fat. I found this particularly ironic (although should I be bitching about things like that? Perhaps I’ve ‘changed channels’ already?).

A belated Happy New Year, readers. And Leos, don’t forget to ‘change the channel’!