Filthy

I haven't posted over Christmas, although that doesn't seem to have damaged the number of hits I've had. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas. And what comes after Christmas? Why sales of course!

Have you seen Currys' sale adverts? You should have done - there are bloody loads of them. They're all based around Alexa, the 'Head of Sales'. I've decided that Alexa is a filthy depraved bitch, largely due to the advert that you can view thanks to the advert viewing thing below:

I'm not sure I've ever seen such a short advert so packed with innuendo. I mean it doesn't start well with her saying "a good workout" in a slightly suggestive voice, but at least she's talking about something abstract. It all goes downhill from here. We get told about "top-of-the-range Dysons - with extra tools!". Lord knows what extra 'functions' those tools will allow Alexa to perform with her new Dyson. It doesn't bear thinking about.

The advert ends with Alexa repeating her slogan with a shifty look on her face: "If it's not really low, I don't want to know". I hope for the sake of human decency as a whole that Alexa does not apply this mantra to all aspects of her life. Particularly her sex life. "What's that? You want to have ordinary, regular sex? On a bed? You don't know me very well, do you? Remember: if it's not really low, I don't want to know. I want you to smear me in piss and shit and get a Premiership football team to come and roast me whilst a tramp injects me with cheap heroin. That's me. That's the real Alexa."
"But... um... I'm not sure I... I... I think I'm going to go now."
"No! No, wait! Oh. He's gone. Oh well, I least I have White Lightning. I'll always have White Lightning."

In other news, 70 people have joined a Facebook group. Yeah, that's right. This is news apparently. Or at least it is according to the Daily Mail. Look: link.

Mobile phone users are protesting after their network ditched a well-spoken middle-aged woman as its official voice - and replaced her with the "matey" tones of a much younger woman.

Then, further down:

Already, more than 70 people have signed up to [a] forum, called Bring Back The Original Orange Answerphone Woman, on the internet networking site Facebook.

On it, Ms Gibson's voice has been described as "squeaky", "matey", "annoying" and "patronising" and one customer asked: "Is it unnormal to be this irritated by a voicemail voice?"

I think you'll find it's 'abnormal'. And, to be honest, yes it is. Seriously, is this all it takes to get in a national newspaper these days? Because I'm pretty sure I could conjure up a 70-strong group on Facebook. In fact there are lots of groups on Facebook with more than 70 members. Here are some: 'The Anti-Daily Mail Coalition' (9002 members), 'The Daily Mail really are a bunch of fucking twats' (6692), 'Fuck the Daily Mail!' (607), 'Daily Mail Hating Feminazis From Hell' (241) and 'I'd rather chew my own nipples off than buy the Daily Mail' (111). I wonder if we'll be seeing a story about those sometime soon in the Mail...

Not So Amazing

A crazy chain of inter-blog influence has led to this post. I began by writing a post about TellyAds Top 20 TV ads of 2007. Then Jon, after reading that post, did his own post about his own personal top ads of the year. His worst ads of the year were the ones for the iPhone. This lead to me thinking "oh, I'd forgotten, I was going to a post about one of those ads". And that led to me writing this post.

Anyway, here's the particular ad that offended me.

There are lots of reasons to hate the iPhone ads, such as the grating background music, the general patronisingness ("This is your e-mail" - well holy shit, I've never seen e-mail before, what a revelation!), the list goes on and on.

The reason that I hate the above advert is that about twenty seconds in when the guy says "endless entertainment" you suddenly realise (if you hadn't already) that the guy doing the voiceovers is an insincere tossbag. It's as if, at that point, the guy makes a conscious decision to lurch into self-parody and actually starts reading the script as if it were a pre-school story book with lots of pictures, trying to create as much of a (false) sense of childish wonder as possible.

I also hate the way these adverts try and make the 'phone' aspect of the device seem like a bit of a novelty, shoving it at the end of the ads. "Ooh, look, it does calls as well, aren't we wacky electronics people?" No. No, you aren't. It's a phone. That's what it's for. Oh well, maybe one day Apple will invent the iBrick so that someone can smash it into the face of Apple's head of marketing. Over and over. Until he dies.

Google Excitement

Ever since I've starting getting an increasing number of hits through Google searches I've developed a new hobby kind of thing: copying the search keywords people have used so that I can see where I am in the searches. It's quite exciting, but a bit sad. Searching for "best fucking christmas ecard" will see me appear on page 3 (page 3 - teeheehee!). I don't know why you'd be searching for that, let alone scouring through several pages of results, but there you go.

"Bt advert cast 2007" does a bit better - I'm the second result. I quite like the little sampler that comes up too: "Cast your vote! Vote for PASTA, you mindless consumer drones. Watch. What next, David Cameron appearing in an advert for big bags of heroin?" That should draw people in. If they're searching for totally perverse things like "bt advert cast 2007". The freaks.

I'm pretty pleased with my placing for "gary barlow weblog" - I'm the fourth result, right under a BBC website. Go me. I'm the first - first! - result for "satanic christmas e-cards" of all things, and third for "satanic e-cards". Why people are searching for such things I do not know. Search for "advert ocean finance pool" and I appear in both second and third place for some reason. I'm third and fourth for "astrologist justin topper". Search for both "mars advert (lights turning on)" and "mars light advert" and I'm at the top.

I've already mentioned the whole "gays are evil" thing below, but additionally, my other blog, Voicewatch is on the first page of results for "zoos are evil". As with the whole "gays are evil" thing, the little sample sadly makes me out to be a rabid homophobe: "Evil Gays Defile Zoo - Those gays have a fucking nerve, eh? Not only do they perform sinful acts with each other, they - get this - have parties in zoos as..." Lamentably you have to click on the link to realise that I'm taking the piss.

So that's my latest obsession. It could be worse I suppose, at least I've not started collecting model trains. Or making matchstick models. Or kneecapping innocent people. Because all of those things would be bad.

XXXmas

Apparently it's not Christmas unless you've got a load of attractive young women dressed in Santa-outfit-themed miniskirt/dress things cavorting around your house. I refer, of course, to the video for the cover that Tony Christie did of Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody". What a misogynistic old pile of shite. Lookie:



Ugh. The bit that really pisses me off come around the 02:00 mark. Ooh look, now two of the attractive young women are pillow-fighting over a random mediocre-looking working-class guy! What a likely occurrence! I'm assuming Tony Christie came up with this video. Tony Christie is old. Yeah: ewww! Pervert. No wonder he looks so fucking cheerful. He probably feels like God. "I want tits in Santa outfits!" "Um... yes, Mr. Christie. Right away."

The weird thing is the end, where Christie randomly decides to leave the party and fucks off down an alleyway. It's a bit suspect. Tony pauses for a moment before walking into the alley as if checking that an unspecified someone was there. I mean... well I'm not going to beat around the bush, it looks as though Tony's fucking off to have gay sex in an alleyway. Cue cheap innuendo involving a reference to someone's 'Way to Amarillo'. That said I don't know why someone would deliberately insert (ho-ho!) a reference to themselves having gay sex in an alley at the end of their music video, so maybe I'm a bit off the mark. Maybe he's making a bit of a cry for help or something? I don't know.

Well... that... kind of ended on a random note... So... um... yeah. Merry Christmas and shit.

Tellyads Top 20 Ads of 2007

So Tellyads has sorted its Top 20 ads for 2007. Look: link.

The Cadbury Gorilla being at number 1 is fairly predictable. I don't think it's a bad advert but... I don't get what people find so great about it. "Ooh, a gorilla... playing the drums! How zany!" It's just... I could come up with a ton of ideas like that. All you have to do is come up with some random bits and bobs and throw them together. How about... an anthropomorphic duck... shooting a shrew... in the kneecaps... with a banana...? And there you go, an advert for banana smoothies or something, just like that. I should work in advertising.

There's a fair bit of shite on the list. Some misogynistic tat advertising Lynx is at No. 2. The biggest abortion of the lot, however, is at No. 17. Yes, it's a BT ad. A fucking BT ad. Ugh. It's the best man one, where the guy uses the Internet to come up with a best man speech. Why does he bother? He's a cunt. No matter what he says, everyone will secretly be thinking "ugh, this guy's a knob". He's probably already fucked off every single member of the audience by constantly babbling about BT's twatting home hub at every solitary social event he's attended for the past God-only-knows how long, fictional bastard that he is. Ugh. Ugh. If BT do an advert where a gas fault burns the BT family's house to the ground, with them inside, then I guarantee it will be next year's No. 1. Go on BT, do it. Do it for me. Please? Please?!?

Revenge of the Evil Gays

I was having a look at my site stats a minute ago and noticed that I got a hit through someone searching on Google for "gays are evil". Unsurprisingly, I was slightly concerned about this. Maybe I'd been sleep-posting 'gay hate' material or something. I decided to investigate. It turned out they'd been sent to this post about Christian Voice bitching about a gay event at a zoo. I went on Google and stuck "gays are evil" (without parentheses) into it to see what happened. Turns out the post is right at the top of the second page of results. That's pretty high.

The bad thing is that all you can see from the search result is the heading, "Evil Gays 'Invade Zoo'", and this bit of text: "I kind of thought that Britain, although flawed, was a reasonably nice place to live. I mean someone stole a parcel out of my front ..."

That's really bad. I mean it looks as if I continued and went:

"I mean someone stole a parcel out of my front yard - but at least they were straight! Then I remembered that gay people existed and that gay people lived in Britain... and then I changed my mind and decided that Britain was a shithole - and we all know what gays do with shitholes!!!111one"

My real name's in the URL of this bugger too. People are going to think I'm a right homophobe. But then... they'll only see that if they search for "gays are evil", and you'd have to be pretty homophobic to search for that... except... I searched for that. But I was only checking... I... I'm not a homophobe... am I?

The answer is "no", by the way.

Special Relationship

You have to wonder about some of the people employed by the Daily Mail. Specifically, the guy who writes its games reviews, James O'Brien. Take his review of Super Mario Galaxy, which begins:

"Anyone with a passing interest in video games must, at some point, have engaged in a relationship with Mario."

Um... 'kay. 'Relationship'? 'Engaged'? I mean... what does this mean? Do we want to know? I'm slightly frightened. Apparently:

"As with any... the relationship with the fat, little Italian plumber will have had its highs and lows"

I kind of worry about the quality of Mr. O'Brien's interpersonal relationships, after all, he's just described someone who, in his own words, he has been "engaged in a relationship with" as 'fat' and 'little'. That's not very nice. No wonder there've been 'lows'.

I can't imagine his wife would be very happy being called those things. There again, he's probably not married, just in a civil partnership with a cardboard cut-out of Mario he stole from a shop. After all, despite being 'fat' and 'little', he does have other qualities. Like being a plumber. I bet he earns shitloads when he's not off saving princesses.

The Return of Cainer

Well I'm at home now, and that means that, once again, I have to tolerate the Daily Mail. So, once again, I'm exposed to the evil of Jonathan Cainer. Here's the start of today's 'scope for us Leos:

When my children were younger, they had a favourite theme park ride. They each got to sit in a little car with a steering wheel to turn and a horn to honk.

Um... OK. An irrelevant but seemingly benign anecdote. But next...

They felt as if they were in control of their vehicle. Only they weren't. The whole thing was being pulled along a track. For them, ignorance was bliss.

The horoscope was starting to seem increasingly suspicious. Why would Jonathan start lecturing us about 'control'? Maybe... just maybe... Jonathan is brainwashing people using mind control...?

None of us minds living in a fantasy when we feel good, but none of us likes to give more energy than we must to an unnecessary worry. This week, something is bugging you. There is no need to let it.

Ah... and now it all comes clear. Jonathan Cainer's evil plan for world domination has entered its implementation phase and he has begun to use mind control against the nation... but his technique has not yet been perfected, and the people can sense that something is wrong. Cainer's horoscope is trying to throw us off the scent! Or... or maybe... just maybe... I'm being slightly... ever so slightly... paranoid...

High School Horrible False-looking Bastard

Well, my Christmas holiday has started and so I will hopefully start to post around once a day again (if I ever did). Anyway...

I hate Zac Efron. I don't really know anything about him. I've never seen any of the films he's been in, and in fact the only time I've ever seen him in anything other than a still image is in adverts and the time that he randomly appeared on the Lotto draw programme. But this lack of knowledge is irrelevant - I'm the guy that walks down the street thinking: "You're a twat... you're a twat... cunt... you look acceptable... bitch... twat" towards random passers-by, as if I were some sort of archangel sent by God to sift through people as a prelude to Judgement Day. In case you hadn't guessed, I like to judge people. And quickly. We live in a time-poor society - why waste time doing silly things like 'getting to know people' before you decide whether they're total bastards or not? Anyway, I, judgemental bastard that I am, have decided I do not care for Mr. Efron.

He looks weird. I really do not understand how any human being could find him attractive. I mean... all the bits are in the right place... the eyes... the nose... the mouth (although I don't know of many people who do actually look like a badly assembled Mr. Potato Head), but somehow it all just looks a bit wrong, a bit like an alien masquerading (holy shit, I did actually just manage to spell that right without using spellcheck) as a human using some sort of crazy latex mask, like Planet of the Apes... but with humans. He looks like some sort of children's doll.

I can't imagine him having any sort of personal life. I just imagine the 'film people' packing him away in a crate after each film and keeping him in storage until the next one. He'd just lie there staring at the wall of his wooden box in total darkness with his horrible dead eyes. Occasionally he'd sleep and have dreams, dark dreams of agony and despair. Maybe they'd be like a My Chemical Romance video. I wouldn't really know. The only one I've seen is the one for that Black Parade song and that was a load of pompous arse. Mind you, I'd look like a bit strange if I had that crap in my dreams.

Anyway, I'm really just rambling now. Hope you readers have a happy Christmas. Unless you're Zac Efron. In which case, whilst I would not want to wish you a cheerful festive season, I would perhaps express a hope that your 'people' will decorate the inside of your box. Fair is fair.

Burger Bother

The packaging for my Birdseye beef burgers helpfully suggest that I "BBQ [them] from frozen".

Well I say helpful... it's the middle of December. So not very helpful at all then. The stupid twats.

More astrological madness

I wasn't even going to post today, but look: two whole posts!

Anyway, I ended up stumbling onto the Daily Express website and decided to check my horoscope while I was there. Would "Britain's best astrologer", Justin Topper, a crazy-haired bastard be up to the standard of dastardly Daily Mail astrologer Jonathan Cainer?

Let's have a look what my 'scope said:

You don't seem too bothered by your surroundings today. If anything, you should have more space to develop a relationship, and even plan a trip. Make the most of it, because there is no such thing as a free ticket. In fact, you're better off not moving.

This is just insane. I'm constantly bothered by my surroundings, that's bollocks. Everyone cares about their surroundings, it's why we don't live in houses with massive piles of shit piled in every room. And I'm somehow supposed to develop a relationship and plan a trip without even leaving my chair! Madness.

I wonder how many people agreed that they were "better off not moving" today and instead decided to sit around in a massive puddle of their own piss. Well considering Justin's audience is Daily Express readers, probably a surprisingly large number...

Some exchanges

In a shop:

MAN: Five pounds of top-up please.

SHOP GUY: That'll be five pounds please.

No shit.

On the Wall of the Facebook group "Jeremy Clarkson should be Prime Minister":

Alex Camponi:
Jez is the man. He can have my sister - and she's fit too

Greg Coward:
u just called ur sister fit?

I fear for humanity.