Random Shite

I just got sent an e-mail from HMV with the subject line: "Go all the way with Jonny". What? I... I don't even know who Jonny is. Why the fuck would I want to go "all the way" with him? That's... that's just wrong. Ugh.

Anyway, I was just watching a bit of that Leave Us Kids Alone on BBC3, and one of the parents said of their teenagers: "He's like a one-man idiot". Um... what? How... how does that work? Are idiots normally Siamese twins or split-personality sufferers or something? I... I don't understand.

Oh, also today, I went into a lecture to find that someone had left an big empty bottle of vodka stuff on the floor:

That must have been a fun lecture for somebody.

Oh, and some news hot off the press - tonight a man wandered into our front yard and cut the wire off the discarded freezer lying there. He then wandered off with his prize. Bizarre.

Shark Kids

I was going to make a horribly offensive joke comparing this incident with Steve Irwin's death. I actually wrote the post but chickened out because it was just a bit horrible and not actually funny. But then I glanced at the website again and noticed something weird.

As you may have noticed, the site I looked at was the Newsround website. But if you look at the column on the right, you can see this:


Seriously, how many stories of shark related violence does a kid need? We've got enough problems with kids without them trying to happy-slap sharks. I wonder how many kids have been unable to sleep after going on the Newsround website, crying that 'the sharks' are going to 'get them'?

Looks the like Daily Mail has been right all along, the BBC are evil fucks.

Not So Secret

I didn't really know what advert I was going to 'do' today, until I went on the tellyAds website and saw this face gurning out at me:


That's right, it's Nadine Baggott from those Olay adverts. Apparently she's a 'Celebrity Beauty Editor', whatever that is, although for someone holding such a position she has a very ugly surname. Anyway, here's the advert: link. I think she needs a deed poll, not pentapeptides.

Anyhoo, I have some 'beauty secrets' I'd like some answers to:
1) Why does Ms. Baggott's job apparently consist of her watching people have their hair done, or at other times simply grinning at random people as if she's doped off her tits on heroin? Surely no-one in their rights minds would pay someone to perform such unnecessary tasks (especially if she is doing heroin, that's some expensive stuff).
2) Why does Ms. Baggott constantly move her head around in a disconcerting manner when she's speaking?
3) Why does Ms. Baggott constantly have that smug look on her face as if she's doing something great for society and the world in general when all she's doing is whoring some face-cream? Perhaps she likes to imagine that she builds wells for the kids dying of thirst in Africa. Well you don't, you bitch.
4) Why does Ms. Baggott's life take place entirely in split-screen? She's not on 24. And if she is then they've really let it go to shit in the 6th season.

So yeah, answer me those questions 'Nadine', you irritatingly unnecessary woman.

Gosh, I'm so full of anger today...

Evil Gays 'Invade Zoo'

I kind of thought that Britain, although flawed, was a reasonably nice place to live. I mean someone stole a parcel out of my front yard last week, but at least I don't get bombed/raped/stabbed every time I leave the house.

But anyway, apparently I've been wrong about Britain. It turns out we're living in a 'nation of pain' populated by evil sinners with 'a Government in rebellion'. People don't take marriage seriously, children are encouraged to be sexually promiscuous, everyone is drowning in a sea of crime, the walls in our hospitals are smeared with the shit of the damned and (gasp!) there are men who do it with each other! Where did I uncover this terrible reality? The website of Christian Voice, a not-at-all-unreasonable-oh-no Christian group who think that everything has gone wrong.

Thing is, everything hasn't gone wrong and pretty much everything that Christian Voice says is a big bag of shite. Now, Christian Voice have a pet hate, and that pet hate is gay people, or 'homosexuals' as they unceasingly refer to them. And if there's one thing that they hate more than 'homosexuals', it's 'homosexuals' in a zoo. Thus when London Zoo held a 'Gay Sunday' event, Christian Voice (or 'CV' as I will now refer to them, as I'm sick of typing out their name) 'condemned' the event.

There were a number of perks to attending the event, including access to various bits and pieces of the zoo, a live band, etc. But the perk that really riled CV was what they described as 'a staggering 20% discount'. Yes, a 'staggering' discount. Let's look up the word 'staggering' in the OED, shall we? Here we are: "lit. Reeling, tottering, etc". It saddens me that there is someone in the world who is actually left reeling - reeling - by the fact that some people have got a 20% discount. It's twenty fucking percent! They save £1.45. You could only buy, I don't know, a solitary grain of really pure heroin with that. It's nothing. Nothing.

Stephen Green, National Director of CV wasn't happy with this:

"Incredibly, by paying less, the gays got more. The ordinary punter didn't have an exclusive garden party or a barbecue - they had to queue for their overpriced food and drink with everyone else."

Serves them fucking right for not liking cock. Additionally, I'm amused at the use of the word 'incredibly', as if this were the most shocking thing on Earth, and not just some gays (oh, sorry, 'homosexuals') having an event at a zoo. Gays in a zoo? End of the world as we know it.

There were also a number of pictures with captions that amused me. They speak for themselves:




Nice. If you want to read the whole thing you can find it here: link, although I've already taken the piss out of all the funny bits so you'll probably just find it faintly depressing. Ho hum.

Yet More Jonathan

More news on the Jonathan Cainer front (for those not in the know, I suspect him of having an evil plot to take over the world, see here and here). Anyway, I was in a pub and noticed a copy of the world's great newspaper (if you're a Nazi), the Daily Mail. Flicking over to Cainer's horoscopes section I noticed the following:

Historic heads of state have openly asked astrologers when to start campaigns. In recent times, though, prime ministers and presidents have had to hold clandestine consultations. In the Eighties, for example, the Gorbachev-Reagan summits were timed to tie in with major planetary alignments. These were a great success, but when the truth about the cosmic connection came out, Reagan was embarrassed.
Great leaders, though, still like to know what their stars say. On Friday, I advised Gordon Brown against an election. On Saturday, he dropped the idea. Gordon, if you're reading, I'll give you more advice tomorrow.

So Cainer is already giving 'advice' to Gordon Brown. If we assume the worst (life's more interesting that way), Gordon Brown has been brainwashed by some kind of evil mind-machine and Cainer is now calling the shots. Cainer now has the keys to the UK. The world is doomed!

Gary Barlow HATES YOU!

Gary Barlow thinks you're disgusting:


Gary Barlow wants to kick your children in the face:


Gary Barlow is inexplicably angry at his hands:


Gary Barlow hates these lights, possibly because they aren't energy efficient:


Gary Barlow is running out of oxygen but wants to kill you with his deathray vision anyway:


For the love of God, Gary - smile. It isn't hard!

Cast your vote!

Vote for PASTA, you mindless consumer drones. Watch.

What next, David Cameron appearing in an advert for big bags of heroin?

Drowning in Debt

Here's an advert for Ocean Finance:


I don't understand how this is supposed to encourage people to apply for a loan. Look at the last twenty seconds. We see a man jump into the Ocean Finance pool, only for him to find himself out at sea, where the currents will probably carry him away from the shore and lead him to a watery death, his body never found. Doesn't really inspire confidence, does it?

Mind you, saves him from having to top himself when he can't keep up the repayments and his house gets repossessed.