There was a two-page spread in the paper today, written by astrologist Jonathan Cainer. Mr. Cainer was apparently revealing how a new comet will affect everyone’s love life in the coming year. Losing my common sense for a few minutes I actually read the thing (I’m a Leo in case there are any freakish web perverts out there who get a kick out of finding out complete stranger’s star-signs – there, I kindly sorted your daily wank out, aren’t I nice?).
Anyhoo, I was somewhat suspicious of the advice I was given to say the least. Apparently, “when we’re watching TV, we can change channels. Our personal dramas don’t normally offer that option. Or do they?”.
“Change channels?” I thought to myself. “What is Jonathan suggesting?”
I read on. Jonathan went on to tell me: “You’ll have to ask if you are prepared to live according to ‘how things really feel’ as opposed to ‘how you think they really ought to feel’… Something amazing is about to be released inside you… you begin to be the person you were always born to be.”
Perhaps I was getting the wrong end of Jonathan Cainer’s nutcase stick, but I began to suspect that Cainer was suggesting that I (and by extension a twelfth of the population) should turn gay in this coming year. This seemed somewhat major advice to be giving out to a whole twelfth of the population, and I began to wonder whether this was some time of bizarre mind control ploy by Cainer.
I wasn’t sure what the motive of this twisted social engineering was, but the conspiracy theorist long hidden within the depths of my mind began to have a few ideas. Perhaps this was some kind of attempt by Cainer to gradually become master of the world. Maybe he intended to start small, suggesting that people buy a pot plant perhaps, before working up to the bigger stuff – getting a divorce, or ‘changing channels’. After a while we would be so under Jonathan’s spell that we would barely notice when he took his throne as the Overlord of the entire planet.
But then I released that I was probably talking shit, so I went and watched some TV.
Speaking of which, the hoodie that Jamie Oliver wears in the new Sainsbury adverts makes him look fat. I found this particularly ironic (although should I be bitching about things like that? Perhaps I’ve ‘changed channels’ already?).
A belated Happy New Year, readers. And Leos, don’t forget to ‘change the channel’!
Anyhoo, I was somewhat suspicious of the advice I was given to say the least. Apparently, “when we’re watching TV, we can change channels. Our personal dramas don’t normally offer that option. Or do they?”.
“Change channels?” I thought to myself. “What is Jonathan suggesting?”
I read on. Jonathan went on to tell me: “You’ll have to ask if you are prepared to live according to ‘how things really feel’ as opposed to ‘how you think they really ought to feel’… Something amazing is about to be released inside you… you begin to be the person you were always born to be.”
Perhaps I was getting the wrong end of Jonathan Cainer’s nutcase stick, but I began to suspect that Cainer was suggesting that I (and by extension a twelfth of the population) should turn gay in this coming year. This seemed somewhat major advice to be giving out to a whole twelfth of the population, and I began to wonder whether this was some time of bizarre mind control ploy by Cainer.
I wasn’t sure what the motive of this twisted social engineering was, but the conspiracy theorist long hidden within the depths of my mind began to have a few ideas. Perhaps this was some kind of attempt by Cainer to gradually become master of the world. Maybe he intended to start small, suggesting that people buy a pot plant perhaps, before working up to the bigger stuff – getting a divorce, or ‘changing channels’. After a while we would be so under Jonathan’s spell that we would barely notice when he took his throne as the Overlord of the entire planet.
But then I released that I was probably talking shit, so I went and watched some TV.
Speaking of which, the hoodie that Jamie Oliver wears in the new Sainsbury adverts makes him look fat. I found this particularly ironic (although should I be bitching about things like that? Perhaps I’ve ‘changed channels’ already?).
A belated Happy New Year, readers. And Leos, don’t forget to ‘change the channel’!
Posts
1 comment:
my people have all turned homosexual after reading your wise words, our great god be praised
Post a Comment