Everyone Loves Stickers

I wasn't going to do a blog entry today but I had an empty hour. Ho hum.

There's some programme on the TV right now, where a random woman's bitching about carrots. "Call these carrots?" she says, among other similar comments. What do you think you're presenting woman, the Carrot Factor? Because you aren't and you should really shut the fuck up.

Anyhoo, back to business. I found this set of stickers that came with a VHS cassette and they made me laugh. Here's a scan:

The dad's my favourite. Who the fuck looks like that? I fear for the children because their dad's obviously a total paedophile. And if you look at the woman you can see the secret plea for help from a woman who has to spend every evening in her husband's secret sex torture dungeon. She even looks as if she's wearing some kind of odd school uniform fancy dress outfit.
"Do I have to wear this again Jeremy?"
"Yes! And I told you, call me Adolf."
"Daddy, why is Mummy wearing a school uniform?"
"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE? I TOLD YOU TO GET IN THE CUPBOARD!"
I mean look at the pretty blonde children, sitting there like a Nazi's wet dream. Bet they have blue eyes. Or the neo-fascist dad makes them wear coloured contacts. Perhaps they have to bleach their hair. Y'know sometimes I wonder if I should get a life, but then I realised that over analysing the stickers from a video tape is much more fun than living. Stop looking at me like that.

My greatest achievement today was completing the free activities that came with my Scooby-Doo advent calendar. Look!

I made Scooby's face out of the doors from the days during Hollyoaks and then I made the Mystery Machine while I was watching Project Catwalk with my Mum. Aren't I clever?

Meanwhile I did fuck all work on my very important and soon-to-have-to-be-handed-in essay. Shows where my priorities lie.

Changing Channels

There was a two-page spread in the paper today, written by astrologist Jonathan Cainer. Mr. Cainer was apparently revealing how a new comet will affect everyone’s love life in the coming year. Losing my common sense for a few minutes I actually read the thing (I’m a Leo in case there are any freakish web perverts out there who get a kick out of finding out complete stranger’s star-signs – there, I kindly sorted your daily wank out, aren’t I nice?).

Anyhoo, I was somewhat suspicious of the advice I was given to say the least. Apparently, “when we’re watching TV, we can change channels. Our personal dramas don’t normally offer that option. Or do they?”.

“Change channels?” I thought to myself. “What is Jonathan suggesting?”

I read on. Jonathan went on to tell me: “You’ll have to ask if you are prepared to live according to ‘how things really feel’ as opposed to ‘how you think they really ought to feel’… Something amazing is about to be released inside you… you begin to be the person you were always born to be.”

Perhaps I was getting the wrong end of Jonathan Cainer’s nutcase stick, but I began to suspect that Cainer was suggesting that I (and by extension a twelfth of the population) should turn gay in this coming year. This seemed somewhat major advice to be giving out to a whole twelfth of the population, and I began to wonder whether this was some time of bizarre mind control ploy by Cainer.

I wasn’t sure what the motive of this twisted social engineering was, but the conspiracy theorist long hidden within the depths of my mind began to have a few ideas. Perhaps this was some kind of attempt by Cainer to gradually become master of the world. Maybe he intended to start small, suggesting that people buy a pot plant perhaps, before working up to the bigger stuff – getting a divorce, or ‘changing channels’. After a while we would be so under Jonathan’s spell that we would barely notice when he took his throne as the Overlord of the entire planet.

But then I released that I was probably talking shit, so I went and watched some TV.

Speaking of which, the hoodie that Jamie Oliver wears in the new Sainsbury adverts makes him look fat. I found this particularly ironic (although should I be bitching about things like that? Perhaps I’ve ‘changed channels’ already?).

A belated Happy New Year, readers. And Leos, don’t forget to ‘change the channel’!

Magic Straws and iPhones

I had a great idea yesterday. Y'know those new straw things that they have, the magic ones that turn milk into milkshake because they have rocks of milkshake stuff in? Well, how about having ones where instead of milkshake stuff they have crack cocaine inside? Now you can enjoy milk with the great taste of crack! It'd get children drinking milk for life anyway...

Oh, and Apple unveiled a new iPhone yesterday too. But some Daily Mail readers (surprise, surprise) aren't so happy about this: LINK

Guess which reader comment was planted there by a certain someone... the initials should be a clue.

That Tiscali Ad and BT

Would you shag a man because he recommended Tiscali to you? No, I don’t think you would.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of adverts, the BT ones in particular piss me off. It’s so obvious that they want them to be seen as ‘classic’ adverts, ones that in ten years time will be discussed by Z-list celebrities in programs like “I Love Early 21^st Century TV Adverts” on BBC3.

Well they won’t. Because they’re shit. Horrible insipid shit. I mean seriously, what’s the deal with the one where the kid’s biological dad comes into the picture, creating major awkwardness as ‘old’ dad and ‘new’ dad have some kind of bizarre face-off? You’re supposed to be advertising telecomms packages BT, not shoving some imaginary family’s emotional angst into my face.

What next, a BT ad where the kid slits his wrist in the bath? Wait a minute I’d actually like to see that one… For the wrist slitting obviously, not for the youngster in the bath. Just to make that clear.

And the one where they’re viewing the house is just as bad, although more telecomms focused. Family is unimpressed with house. Family discover house has a BT home-hub. Family buy house. Are the family morons? Do they not realise that they could set up telecomms package with BT at ANY house in the area? Well apparently they don’t.

Perhaps I’m just a bit of a freak, but the thought of some second-rate comedian gurning out of the screen in 2017, shrieking “Remember the BT family? Eh? EH?” frankly scares me a little bit. Oh well...

M.I. High

At this very moment I'm watching the new CBBC kids TV program called M.I. High. And it's fucking shit. I know it's only kids TV but really... none of the kids can act, and the plot? In today's episode the Prime Minister's decided to invade the rest of Europe, all on his own... cos that's like so plausible. Next week the kids travel back in time to stop Prince Philip gouging out the Diana driver's eyes with lasers. Half the cast is from Red Dwarf apparently but that doesn't seem to help either. Oh, and the two girls pick on the boy cos that's what girls do these days. Well don't come crying to me when you end up having to work with a passive-aggressive latent homosexual, girls, bringing his 'shag' back to the hideout for some non-Richard Littlejohn approved fun then crying his eyes out for hours, shrieking like a little girl, trapped in a mire of self-hatred and confusion - and that's before he hits the vodka. And maybe it's just me but in this crazy modern world isn't a group of kids taking 'commands' from some guy in a dark basement a bit sinister?

Classic moment: "Interview this!" shouts the PM before locking one of the female secret agents (complete with look of horror) into an empty classroom. That's right, a typical empty classroom, replete with flimsy door and already-half-broken windows and what-have-you. How does she get out? Exploding the lock on the door with some kind of magic laser lipstick. Just... like... kick the door or jump out of the window or something you silly bitch... it's cheaper. Fuck the NHS, let's spend all the tax on laser lipstick! It's the future!

Oh, and apparently we can solve our problems with Europe if we just 'chill out'. Yeah, let's just 'chill out', that'll solve all the immigration and human rights issues! Yay!

If I ever see my kids watching dross like this I'll travel back in time and have them aborted. The shits.