I was flicking through some stuff in my room and found two articles from the Daily Mail from the Christmas period that I’d forgotten to tell anyone about.
Anyway, it transpired that a new wave of destruction and chaos was sweeping the nation. People were dying, cities were being razed to the ground. The cause? E-cards, the new Anti-Christ in our Satanic digital world. Or at least that was kind of the idea.
The article looked like this:
Apparently 2006 was “the year of the ‘e-card’, tacky electronic messages which are threatening to replace our traditional Christmas cards.”
I couldn’t help but think the word ‘threatening’ made the idea of e-cards seem unduly aggressive, as if angry fundamentalist e-cards might be about to fly planes into high buildings at any moment.
The Mail went on: “Gone are the days of individual messages on pretty cards that could be placed on the mantelpiece.”
I, of course, used to spend hours every Christmas carefully crafting individual cards to send to people. If I made a card and it wasn’t a creation of utter beauty, I burned it and began again. Eventually I became so anxious about creating perfect cards that I began to self-harm because sending out ‘pretty cards’ bothered me that fucking much. Except that I’m lying my fucking face off and actually I’ve always just bought a generic card from a generic shop and shoved a few names in it. Just like everybody fucking else.
Apparently ex-TV presenter Joan Bakewell (who?) was fucking outraged: “E-cards are totally unsatisfactory… after Christmas I sit down with all the cards and read them through. It’s a type of Christmas post-mortem which gives you a chance to really think about the people you care about. An e-card could simply never achieve that.”
‘Post-mortem?’ Well sorry Joan, but I think I’d prefer to get advice about Christmas from someone who doesn’t compare reading some cards with dicing up a cold rotting corpse with a scalpel. You fucking freak.
The article finishes with: “What used to be a genuine and touching gesture has become a minor Christmas task – or, worse, just another marketing tool.”
Yes, the days when we openly wept with heartbursting joy at receiving a mass-produced piece of cardboard are over. Oh fucking no.
The second article was just as bad. It’s probably best if you just look at the thing:
That’s right, not only did eBay steal Christmas but it made an innocent baby cry by dressing it in the most hideous outfit the world has never seen.
But is Lorraine Fisher really the best person to be dishing out judgement on eBay sellers? Let’s take a closer look at her:
Let’s be honest, she looks as if she’s not only stolen Christmas but thrown its kids underneath a train while it looks on, helpless. Not really surprising considering she writes for the Mail…
Anyway, it transpired that a new wave of destruction and chaos was sweeping the nation. People were dying, cities were being razed to the ground. The cause? E-cards, the new Anti-Christ in our Satanic digital world. Or at least that was kind of the idea.
The article looked like this:
Apparently 2006 was “the year of the ‘e-card’, tacky electronic messages which are threatening to replace our traditional Christmas cards.”I couldn’t help but think the word ‘threatening’ made the idea of e-cards seem unduly aggressive, as if angry fundamentalist e-cards might be about to fly planes into high buildings at any moment.
The Mail went on: “Gone are the days of individual messages on pretty cards that could be placed on the mantelpiece.”
I, of course, used to spend hours every Christmas carefully crafting individual cards to send to people. If I made a card and it wasn’t a creation of utter beauty, I burned it and began again. Eventually I became so anxious about creating perfect cards that I began to self-harm because sending out ‘pretty cards’ bothered me that fucking much. Except that I’m lying my fucking face off and actually I’ve always just bought a generic card from a generic shop and shoved a few names in it. Just like everybody fucking else.
Apparently ex-TV presenter Joan Bakewell (who?) was fucking outraged: “E-cards are totally unsatisfactory… after Christmas I sit down with all the cards and read them through. It’s a type of Christmas post-mortem which gives you a chance to really think about the people you care about. An e-card could simply never achieve that.”
‘Post-mortem?’ Well sorry Joan, but I think I’d prefer to get advice about Christmas from someone who doesn’t compare reading some cards with dicing up a cold rotting corpse with a scalpel. You fucking freak.
The article finishes with: “What used to be a genuine and touching gesture has become a minor Christmas task – or, worse, just another marketing tool.”
Yes, the days when we openly wept with heartbursting joy at receiving a mass-produced piece of cardboard are over. Oh fucking no.
The second article was just as bad. It’s probably best if you just look at the thing:
That’s right, not only did eBay steal Christmas but it made an innocent baby cry by dressing it in the most hideous outfit the world has never seen.But is Lorraine Fisher really the best person to be dishing out judgement on eBay sellers? Let’s take a closer look at her:
Let’s be honest, she looks as if she’s not only stolen Christmas but thrown its kids underneath a train while it looks on, helpless. Not really surprising considering she writes for the Mail…
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment