Comic Relief

Apparently the contestants on Comic Relief Celebrity Mastermind are going to be facing 'THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST INTERROGATION'. Unless they're going to have their chests and genitals cut with a scalpel in front of families across the nation at half seven in the evening, I somehow doubt it.

Oh, and according to Patrick Kielty "thousands of children are living lives that they just shouldn't have". Yeah, let's put the miserable fuckers to death, eh? Christ.

Horne and Corden Promotional Photos

Ooh, look at us, we look sort-of confused and yet at the same time sort-of not.

Tossers.

Hollyoaks Later Is Poo

Here's a screengrab from Hollyoaks Later:


Hmm... I feel hungry. I wonder what they serve at that pub. Let's see... hmm... there's bar snacks. Well, good, I like bar snacks! What else I wonder... let's have a look... hmm... wait... does that say...?


Poo?! Fuck it, let's go to McDonald's instead...

Hollyoaks Later In Ten Words

It's Hollyoaks but an hour long and Josh says 'fuck'.

Sachs's Granddaughter Does A 180

So first Andrew Sachs's granddaughter was all angry and upset, and then it started to look like she could make a load of money off the back of the whole thing, and now she isn't quite so angry anymore:

Baillie in call to reinstate stars

The 23-year-old said Radio 2 DJ Brand's resignation and Ross's three month suspension without pay was "out of proportion".

Baillie, who performs with her dance troupe the Satanic Sluts, has also told how she wants to pursue a career as an actress and model.

She [said]: "I want to keep performing with my dance troupe. And all these modelling offers have come through which is quite interesting. I thought about doing modelling a few years ago but was told I was a bit too chunky for that, but now all of a sudden I'm not, so that's great.

"So I think I might be doing a bit of modelling, and I've also done a bit of acting in the past, so I might try and get back into that."

We'll see her being spitroasted by Callum Best and Paul Dannan on ITV2 sometime soon, mark my words.

Amir Khan

Is it just me or is everything Amir Khan says a lot funnier if you assume he's talking about fisting?

"Every punch is hard."

Yeah, yeah, I bet it is.

Smug Strings

This advert has something it wants to share with you all:



Christ, negative campaigning's moved from politics to advertising. It's spreading like cancer. Next we'll have books with little sound chips in so that when you walk into Waterstones you'll be subjected to a cacophony of little synthetic voices smugly informing you that their book's better than the other's because it's got a longer word-count and it's part of Richard and Judy's Book Club.

It's not just the message of the advert that irritates me, it's the method it's transmitted as well - through hundreds and hundreds of miles of string, carefully laid across the entire country. Think about it - imagine how horrible that imaginary world must be if it's full of people willing to go to such a ridiculous effort purely so that can listen to some smug bitch ramble on at them about how one brand of fromage frais is better than the other. Ugh.

And another thing - why is it only mothers who are being told about this? What about dads? What about people from unconventional family units? This advert discriminates against more than just artificial ingredients. If I were a gay man made from fructose I'd be outraged.